So usually i write stories, journal entries and really good essays....boring. After reading one of my stories my teacher told me that she thought i had the kind of skills that would help me in poetry. So i gave it a shot. she really liked it and even gave me extra points for stretching my writing ability. but, of course, she has to say that. So i would love some feedback from all of you, actual people who can be brutally honest about what you think, i'll start with just one and then if you like it then i'll work on some others.

...i have to explain this. IT IS NOT ABOUT ME. it was inspired partly by a news article and partly by an episode of CSI.







thank you.

It's not bad, I liked it. You can definitely do better and improve. I think you just have to keep writing. What I didn't like was that metaphor.



Maybe it's just me but I associate death bed with people who have already given up their fight for life, be it willingly or just because they don't have no more strength left.

thats was reallly good.
keep doing more.

Your poem lacks a connection with you, but it was good. When writing you want to bring the reader closer to the poem and let them feel a connection with the writer.I'd say that you need to have inspiration from your life directly... Now I'm being truthful you have the talent you just need to reveal all of your potential. Do me a favor an try to write about something you love or have feelings for, anything from love all the way to death if you wish. If you'd like I could show you one of mine to show you what I mean.

Moved. This section is for advice.

I just didn't understand the presence of so many capital letters.

The capitalized words tell a story within themselves. i do it in almost all of my pieces. if you put them together they are all words of strength and emphasize. to make them stand out i capitalize. Emily Dickenson did a lot of things like that.

Fair enough. I just am not sure I dig it.

I really dislike the second stanza though. A grown man seems like a shabby metaphor for a young girl. Otherwise it kind of grows on you.

thanks for the input all of you

the third stanza is awesome.

when I read the first stanza the last sentence was a bit confusing, it might be how you worded it.