Full Version: Post Your "Funny" Quotes/Poems
I've noticed that a lot of you have been posting funny quotes and poems! Well, heres where you can post and request them!
thanks for making this topic! i think the funny quotes r hilarious but i don't have ne =( so if nebody could post them that would be great
idk if these r consdered funny qoutes, but id rather put them here then sumwhere else! Lol oh well if they arent!
What did 50 say when Dre gave him a sweater? "Gee, you knit?" (G-UnIt)
*15 ways 2 make ur parents think ur insane*
1. Follow them around the house everywhere.
2. Moo when they say ur name.
3. Run into walls.
4. Say that wearing clothes is against ur religion.
5. Stand over them at 4 in the morning with a huge grin on ur face n say good morning sunshine
6. Pluck someone's hair out n yell DNA
7. Wear a sticker that says I’m a *beep*
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that u talk 2 all the time.
9. In public yell "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out wit u!!"
10. Do wat they actually tell u.
11. Jump off the roof trying 2 fly.
12. Hold their hand d whisper 2 them I c dead people.
13. At everythin they say yell Liar.
14. Try 2 swim in the floor.
15. Tap on their door all night.
What did 50 say when Dre gave him a sweater? "Gee, you knit?" (G-UnIt)
*15 ways 2 make ur parents think ur insane*
1. Follow them around the house everywhere.
2. Moo when they say ur name.
3. Run into walls.
4. Say that wearing clothes is against ur religion.
5. Stand over them at 4 in the morning with a huge grin on ur face n say good morning sunshine
6. Pluck someone's hair out n yell DNA
7. Wear a sticker that says I’m a *beep*
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that u talk 2 all the time.
9. In public yell "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out wit u!!"
10. Do wat they actually tell u.
11. Jump off the roof trying 2 fly.
12. Hold their hand d whisper 2 them I c dead people.
13. At everythin they say yell Liar.
14. Try 2 swim in the floor.
15. Tap on their door all night.
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL im doing that to my mum when i get off the computer!!!
those are so funny! you're on my n o n - s k a n k l i s t. congrats. we've got t-shirts. they're fishnet though.
Those are so funny! Anymore?
heres one:
My pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard, and they're like, You wanna trade cards? Damn Right, I wanna trade cards, I'll trade this, but not my Charizard
anyone have any more?
My pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard, and they're like, You wanna trade cards? Damn Right, I wanna trade cards, I'll trade this, but not my Charizard
anyone have any more?
im not sure if this is what u are looking for but here are some jokes
20 ways to tell someone their fly is unzipped
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Jr. has left the building!
9. Mini me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
...and the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped:
1. I thought you were crazy, now i see your nuts
------------------------------------------
A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife sliced her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off, "Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish, and I'll keep last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "it's the least I can do."
"I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife. "Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I don't either." The wife agreed.
The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. After he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked, "How old is you husband, anyway?"
"Twenty-five," said the wife.
"And he still believes in genies?"
-------------------------------------------------
A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The personal manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The personal manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personal manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman he just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the personal manager suggested he show him the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was
having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit
down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand
upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse",she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse
and takes it off. "O.K., now take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my
bra", which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties". Johnny finishes removing these too.
His mother then says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!
20 ways to tell someone their fly is unzipped
20. The cucumber has left the salad.
19. I can see the gun of Navarone.
18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
17. You've got Windows on your laptop.
16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
10. Elvis Jr. has left the building!
9. Mini me is making a break for the escape pod.
8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, sir!
7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction.
3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
...and the number one way to tell someone their fly is unzipped:
1. I thought you were crazy, now i see your nuts
------------------------------------------
A young couple was golfing one day on a very exclusive course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the wife sliced her shot right through the large front window of the biggest house along the course. They walked up, knocked on the door and heard a voice say, "Come on in."
When they opened the door, they saw glass everywhere and a broken bottle lying on the floor. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?"
The husband began to apologize, but the man cut him off, "Actually, I want to thank you, I'm a genie who was trapped in that bottle, and your wayward shot released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes, so what I'd like to do is give each of you one wish, and I'll keep last one for myself."
"Fantastic!" said the husband. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie, "it's the least I can do."
"I want a house in every country in the world," said the wife. "Consider it done," said the genie, "and now for my wish. Because I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex in a really long time. My wish is to sleep with your wife."
The husband looked over at his wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses...If you don't mind honey, I don't either." The wife agreed.
The genie took her upstairs and ravished her for 3 hours. After he was through, the genie looked at the wife and asked, "How old is you husband, anyway?"
"Twenty-five," said the wife.
"And he still believes in genies?"
-------------------------------------------------
A women desperately looking for work goes into Erwin. The personal manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The personal manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily excepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the personal manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman he just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the personal manager suggested he show him the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.
The personal managers starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says, "I'm sorry. I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."
------------------------------------------------------------
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher saying that Johnny was
having trouble telling the difference between boys and girls, and would his mother please sit
down and have a talk with Johnny about this. So Johnny's mother takes him quietly by the hand
upstairs to her bedroom, and closes the door.
"First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse",she said, so Johnny unbuttons her blouse
and takes it off. "O.K., now take off my skirt", and he takes off her skirt. "Now take off my
bra", which he does.
"And now, Johnny, please take off my panties". Johnny finishes removing these too.
His mother then says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school anymore!
I have a lot of jokes but I'm not sure im supposed to post them here. they're not technically 'quotes'.
I found one similar to one of those but its like "Pokemon brings all the nerds to the yard and they're like, "*Snort* do u wanna trade cards?" That's right I wanna trade cards then we'll be livin large.. lalalalala no time to daddle.. lalalala we'll miss the battle!"
<-- here are some short funny quotes, well they arent really quotes...i dont know what to call them exactly but i think they are funny! haha! -->
When people say, "Im so tired it's not even funny" y would it even be funny in the first place?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Can u make a candle out of your earwax?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed 2 be a compliment? Since when r buttons cute?
Can u breathe out of ur nose and mouth at the same time?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there.. Im gonna eat the
1st thing that comes out if its butt"?
Why dont the hairs on your arms get split ends?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do u find something funny? When obviously we do?
^^ Thats all i have for now, ask if ya want more!
-Kaylee
When people say, "Im so tired it's not even funny" y would it even be funny in the first place?
Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?
Can u make a candle out of your earwax?
"Cute as a button" Is that supposed 2 be a compliment? Since when r buttons cute?
Can u breathe out of ur nose and mouth at the same time?
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there.. Im gonna eat the
1st thing that comes out if its butt"?
Why dont the hairs on your arms get split ends?
What happens if you put this side up face down while popping microwave popcorn?
Why do all superheroes wear spandex?
Why is it when we laugh in school the teachers say do u find something funny? When obviously we do?
^^ Thats all i have for now, ask if ya want more!
-Kaylee
Those are great! DO post more! 
Ok this kid T came up with this in fifth grade... to the melody of 'all star' by smash mouth
its about caferia food
Somebody once told me the hotdog was bologna
the pizza is crummy tooo
it was lookin kinda gross when the lunch aid picked her nose and flicked it inside my burger
lol i dont remember the rest... i stil think its pretty effen funny so i'd thought id post it!
its about caferia food
Somebody once told me the hotdog was bologna
the pizza is crummy tooo
it was lookin kinda gross when the lunch aid picked her nose and flicked it inside my burger
lol i dont remember the rest... i stil think its pretty effen funny so i'd thought id post it!
3 wOrDz 2 RuiN a GuYz eGo --> iS..--iT..--iN?
SuM gUyZ sAy {“sUk oN iT”} bUt dEn I sAy [“sOrY I –c-H-O-k-E-] oN small 0BjEctZ`"
SuM gUyZ sAy {“sUk oN iT”} bUt dEn I sAy [“sOrY I –c-H-O-k-E-] oN small 0BjEctZ`"
[FONT=Arial][SIZE=1][COLOR=blue]
..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°
..·°..·°..·°..·°
..*It's all about meeting the man of my dreams...
and then meeting his beautiful wife*..
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine
*learn from your parents mistakes use birth control*
-Ìm ñø± å g¡®l û çáñ plªÿ-îf ü wâñ±¹õf ±hø§é-Gö f¡ñd ßå®b¡ê-
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the situation
*I’m not completely worthless, I could be used as a bad example*
.·:¨¨:·.never slap a guy.·:¨¨:·.
.·:¨¨:·.if he does anything to desevre a slap.·:¨¨:·.
.·:¨¨:·. just give him an all out beating.·:¨¨:
"..And although we adore men individually, we agree that as
a group they're rather stupid."
'Merry christmas'
What other time of the year do you get to sit around a dead tree in your living room and eat candy out of your socks?
Lemme know what yuh think.... got better somewhere...
..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°..·°
..·°..·°..·°..·°
..*It's all about meeting the man of my dreams...
and then meeting his beautiful wife*..
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine
*learn from your parents mistakes use birth control*
-Ìm ñø± å g¡®l û çáñ plªÿ-îf ü wâñ±¹õf ±hø§é-Gö f¡ñd ßå®b¡ê-
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos... then you probably haven't completely understood the situation
*I’m not completely worthless, I could be used as a bad example*
.·:¨¨:·.never slap a guy.·:¨¨:·.
.·:¨¨:·.if he does anything to desevre a slap.·:¨¨:·.
.·:¨¨:·. just give him an all out beating.·:¨¨:
"..And although we adore men individually, we agree that as
a group they're rather stupid."
'Merry christmas'
What other time of the year do you get to sit around a dead tree in your living room and eat candy out of your socks?
Lemme know what yuh think.... got better somewhere...
keep posting!!
im getting the biggest kick out of these!
im getting the biggest kick out of these!
here are my -*.funnie.*- n |:siLLy:| quotes ....hope ya enjoy!!!
((2)) words guys /hate/~ `don't` n `stop`
unless of course... you put em >together<
SuM gUyZ sAy [~SuKk oN iT~] buT tHeN i SaY {sOrRie i cHoKe oN smaLL 0bjEcTs}
hOw bOUt i sIt ON UR lAp n WE tALk bOUt tHe fiRst thIng tHAt pOPs UP?
...i -dont- play hard to get
i play to get ya hard...
fRieNds wiLL bAiL yAa ouTta jAiL...
~BEST~ fRieNds wiLL bEe RiTe TheR SiTTiN NexT TaH yA SaYiN
"ThaT WaS FuKkiN awEsoMe!"
yooH kalL urselF A maN???
buT A maN iZ A kinG...
...A kinG iZ A ruleR
A ruleR iZ 12 incheS...
...stilL kalL urselF A maN?
~RoLL~RoLL~RoLL~ uR bLuNt, hiT N PaSS iT DowN ~>
sMokE suMm MoRr LiKe 3 r 4 N uLL bEe sHurE toO !.scOrE.!
~*KuTe LiL bytCh*~
*SwEeT lIl HuNnY*
>>Me JeAlOuS oF yOu?
-HaHa ((Ur FuNnIe))
i tried to sniff coke once... but the ice cubes got stuck
dRinK sChooL
sTayY iN dRugZ
dOnT dO miLk
*_*FigHtiN foR PeaCe iZ LikE fukKiN foR viRgiNitYy*_*
dO iT ToDaYy...
iT mIte bE iLLegaL toMoRRoW
PpL bEe SaYiN iMa //BaD// iNfLueNcE
i SaY tHa (woRLd) iz FukKeD uP eNouGh
iM juSS +aDDiN+ tO iT
Brunnets may play the game
but BLONDES always score
Brunnetes may tease
but BLONDES always please
wEEd spEEd bErth c0ntrol
sEx drUgs n r0ck n r0ll
lifEz a bytch n dEn yOU diE
s0 fUkk thA w0rld lEtz gEt hiiigh!!!
. . .*[[LuCiouS sWeeT n tAsTy]]*. . .
NauGhTy As CaN B-e->
Im ThA gRL tHaTs .'MaRkeD'. wiT
<--xXx pAreNtaL aDviSoRy xXx-->
3 smaLL woRds t0 ruiN a guyz eg0 -> iz.it.in?
>>$$ Drink A Keg... Smoke A Bowl $$<<
>>$$ Blow The World... Get Drivin Home $$<<
>>$$ 4 All You Hoes That Think You're Cool $$<<
>>$$ Kiss My A$$... Cuz I Rule $$<<
His *Abercrombie*and*Fitch* shirt...$38
His -American Eagle- jeans...$48
His <.Calvin Klien.3 boxers...$17
Seeing them all on my floor the next morning... *PRICELESS*
ChiLdReN iN thE daRK cauSe AcciDeNtS
AcciDeNtS iN thE daRK cauSe cHiLdReN
<Shutt the door *Turn out* the light cause -baby-
im gonna r0cK uR w0rLD tonight
people like ((-->you<--))
are the `-.reasons.-` we have
--|--middle fingers--|--
wELL sLaPp Myy a$$ n KaLL mEe SpAnKyy
soMe PpL arE oNLy aLivE b/C itZ iLLegaL t0o kiLL theM
d0nt ^.juDge.^ a guy by his b0xers
its the [(iNsiDe)] that c0unts
i'm the kind of person who lauqhs at a joke 3 times
|| once || when it's said
|| once || when it's explained to me
|| once || five minutes later when i finally get it
i like it R . o . U . g . H
*huGz n KiSSeS" jus arnt |eNuFF|
take >coNtRoL< make me !.sKrEEm.!
hiT tHaT uP u kNoW wHuTt i MeaN
((cHoKe mEe.sPaNk mEe.PuLL maH HaiR))
p u t . t h a t . d ! c K . o f . u r s
right -->>ther
aN [h0ur.er.tWo0] LatR
wE stiLL aiNT ~DoNe~
WeR StiLL HaViN aLL SoRts oF //FuN//
iLL LeT yoU d0 *w/e* yOu wNt 2 d0
juS aS loNg aS i GeT whuTt i WnT fRoM yOu
:+:No OnE:+: |.dies.| a *{viRgiN}*, ((Life)) s c r e w s -[us]- aLL
::.friends.:: are like (condoms)- theyre always ther wen things get HARD
iF lIfE sLaPs yOu In ThE TyTs, Kik iT iN tHe bALLs!!
((2)) words guys /hate/~ `don't` n `stop`
unless of course... you put em >together<
SuM gUyZ sAy [~SuKk oN iT~] buT tHeN i SaY {sOrRie i cHoKe oN smaLL 0bjEcTs}
hOw bOUt i sIt ON UR lAp n WE tALk bOUt tHe fiRst thIng tHAt pOPs UP?
...i -dont- play hard to get
i play to get ya hard...
fRieNds wiLL bAiL yAa ouTta jAiL...
~BEST~ fRieNds wiLL bEe RiTe TheR SiTTiN NexT TaH yA SaYiN
"ThaT WaS FuKkiN awEsoMe!"
yooH kalL urselF A maN???
buT A maN iZ A kinG...
...A kinG iZ A ruleR
A ruleR iZ 12 incheS...
...stilL kalL urselF A maN?
~RoLL~RoLL~RoLL~ uR bLuNt, hiT N PaSS iT DowN ~>
sMokE suMm MoRr LiKe 3 r 4 N uLL bEe sHurE toO !.scOrE.!
~*KuTe LiL bytCh*~
*SwEeT lIl HuNnY*
>>Me JeAlOuS oF yOu?
-HaHa ((Ur FuNnIe))
i tried to sniff coke once... but the ice cubes got stuck
dRinK sChooL
sTayY iN dRugZ
dOnT dO miLk
*_*FigHtiN foR PeaCe iZ LikE fukKiN foR viRgiNitYy*_*
dO iT ToDaYy...
iT mIte bE iLLegaL toMoRRoW
PpL bEe SaYiN iMa //BaD// iNfLueNcE
i SaY tHa (woRLd) iz FukKeD uP eNouGh
iM juSS +aDDiN+ tO iT
Brunnets may play the game
but BLONDES always score
Brunnetes may tease
but BLONDES always please
wEEd spEEd bErth c0ntrol
sEx drUgs n r0ck n r0ll
lifEz a bytch n dEn yOU diE
s0 fUkk thA w0rld lEtz gEt hiiigh!!!
. . .*[[LuCiouS sWeeT n tAsTy]]*. . .
NauGhTy As CaN B-e->
Im ThA gRL tHaTs .'MaRkeD'. wiT
<--xXx pAreNtaL aDviSoRy xXx-->
3 smaLL woRds t0 ruiN a guyz eg0 -> iz.it.in?
>>$$ Drink A Keg... Smoke A Bowl $$<<
>>$$ Blow The World... Get Drivin Home $$<<
>>$$ 4 All You Hoes That Think You're Cool $$<<
>>$$ Kiss My A$$... Cuz I Rule $$<<
His *Abercrombie*and*Fitch* shirt...$38
His -American Eagle- jeans...$48
His <.Calvin Klien.3 boxers...$17
Seeing them all on my floor the next morning... *PRICELESS*
ChiLdReN iN thE daRK cauSe AcciDeNtS
AcciDeNtS iN thE daRK cauSe cHiLdReN
<Shutt the door *Turn out* the light cause -baby-
im gonna r0cK uR w0rLD tonight
people like ((-->you<--))
are the `-.reasons.-` we have
--|--middle fingers--|--
wELL sLaPp Myy a$$ n KaLL mEe SpAnKyy
soMe PpL arE oNLy aLivE b/C itZ iLLegaL t0o kiLL theM
d0nt ^.juDge.^ a guy by his b0xers
its the [(iNsiDe)] that c0unts
i'm the kind of person who lauqhs at a joke 3 times
|| once || when it's said
|| once || when it's explained to me
|| once || five minutes later when i finally get it
i like it R . o . U . g . H
*huGz n KiSSeS" jus arnt |eNuFF|
take >coNtRoL< make me !.sKrEEm.!
hiT tHaT uP u kNoW wHuTt i MeaN
((cHoKe mEe.sPaNk mEe.PuLL maH HaiR))
p u t . t h a t . d ! c K . o f . u r s
right -->>ther
aN [h0ur.er.tWo0] LatR
wE stiLL aiNT ~DoNe~
WeR StiLL HaViN aLL SoRts oF //FuN//
iLL LeT yoU d0 *w/e* yOu wNt 2 d0
juS aS loNg aS i GeT whuTt i WnT fRoM yOu
:+:No OnE:+: |.dies.| a *{viRgiN}*, ((Life)) s c r e w s -[us]- aLL
::.friends.:: are like (condoms)- theyre always ther wen things get HARD
iF lIfE sLaPs yOu In ThE TyTs, Kik iT iN tHe bALLs!!
Not really sure where to put this but I thought it was funny*
})i({ >--(¯`´¯)---> `-*¯.·×´»° G.i.r.l.-.P.o.e.m`-*¯.·×´»° <---(¯`´¯)--< })i({
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- My beauty's a masterpiece -×-
-×- and yes, it takes long -×-
-×- at least I can admit -×-
-×- to others when I'm wrong -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- I dont drive in circles -×-
-×- at any cost -×-
-×- And I dont have a problem -×-
-×- admitting that I'm lost -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- I never forget -×-
-×- an important date -×-
-×- You just gotta deal with it -×-
-×- I'm usually late -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- I dont watch movies -×-
-×- with lots of gore -×-
-×- dont need instant replay -×-
-×- to remember the score -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- I won't lose my hair -×-
-×- I don't get jock itch -×-
-×- And just cause I'm assertive -×-
-×- dont call me a b*tch -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- Dont say to your friends -×-
-×- "oh yeah, I can get her" -×-
-×- In your dreams, my dear -×-
-×- I can do better -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- Flowers are okay -×-
-×- But jewlry's best -×-
-×- look at my face -×-
-×- and not at my chest! -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- I don't have a problem -×-
-×- with expressing my feelings -×-
-×- I know when you're lying -×-
-×- you look at the ceiling -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- dont call me a girl -×-
-×- a babe or a chick -×-
-×- Im a woman -×-
-×- get it you prick? -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
})i({ >--(¯`´¯)---> `-*¯.·×´»° G.i.r.l.-.P.o.e.m`-*¯.·×´»° <---(¯`´¯)--< })i({
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- My beauty's a masterpiece -×-
-×- and yes, it takes long -×-
-×- at least I can admit -×-
-×- to others when I'm wrong -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- I dont drive in circles -×-
-×- at any cost -×-
-×- And I dont have a problem -×-
-×- admitting that I'm lost -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- I never forget -×-
-×- an important date -×-
-×- You just gotta deal with it -×-
-×- I'm usually late -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- I dont watch movies -×-
-×- with lots of gore -×-
-×- dont need instant replay -×-
-×- to remember the score -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- I won't lose my hair -×-
-×- I don't get jock itch -×-
-×- And just cause I'm assertive -×-
-×- dont call me a b*tch -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- Dont say to your friends -×-
-×- "oh yeah, I can get her" -×-
-×- In your dreams, my dear -×-
-×- I can do better -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- Flowers are okay -×-
-×- But jewlry's best -×-
-×- look at my face -×-
-×- and not at my chest! -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- I don't have a problem -×-
-×- with expressing my feelings -×-
-×- I know when you're lying -×-
-×- you look at the ceiling -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
-×- dont call me a girl -×-
-×- a babe or a chick -×-
-×- Im a woman -×-
-×- get it you prick? -×-
-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.¸¸.-··-.¸°-:¦:-°¸.-··-.-:¦:-°¸
These posts are so funny! ^^ i have ALOT of funny quotes/poem/stories...i'll post some now...if you want any more just say so! ^^
It’s better to stay quiet and be though a fool, then open your mouth and remove all doubt…
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!!
What men want:
A tall well built women with good
Reputation, who can cook frog
Legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
Shcia garden, classic music and tal-
King with out being to serious.
(No wait what am I saying, only read lines 1, 3 & 5)
I was standing in the park thinking why Frisbees got bigger as they got closer… then it hit me.
Sex is like math, you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope to god you don’t multiply!!
I hate (name)! No wait that’s not nice – I DISLIKE (name) VERY much!
Curiosity didn’t kill the cat, curiosity made the kittens.
You’re so ugly that when you went to Neverland Michael Jackson told you to sleep in the other room.
Santa says he is going on a strike this year but don't worry Michael Jackson has said he is willing to creep into kids rooms at night and empty his sack.
(sorry to all the people that are Michael Jackson fans)
You mean so much to me if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....I would really ****ing miss you!
I killed an elephant in my pj’s the other night… how it got there I don’t know…
Some people cause happiness where ever they go, others when ever they go.
Ok say you are an ambulance driver going to the scene of an accident, and you run over someone, do you stop to help them?
If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, then why is his hair always so neatly combed?
I bought the kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note saying “Toys not included.”
When I was a kid I used to pray ever night for a new bike. Then I realised the Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Its better to be pissed off, then pissed on.
Don’t steal the government doesn’t like competition
Don’t play stupid with me, I’m better at it.
I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyways.
If a guy ever tells you to suck it say – I choke on small things.
Just because people don’t understand you, doesn’t make you an artist.
Careful what you tell me, I might do something stupid like believe it!
Very funny Scotty… Now beam down my clothes!!
There are 3 kinds of people, those who can count and thoughs who can’t.
Who ever said nothing was impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door.
Mirrors don’t talk, and luckily for you they don’t laugh.
To catch me you gotta be fast, to find me you gotta be smart, to be me… DAMN you gotta be kidding!
There are easier things in life then finding true love… like nailing jelly to a tree fro instance…
Kisses spread germs,
And germs are hated.
So kiss me baby,
I’ve vaccinated!
If you want me to fall for you, you gotta give me something worth tripping over, and then promise to catch me!
Sure the lion is the kind of the jungle, but airdrop him into Antarctica and he’s just a penguins *beep*.
I don’t do drugs any more ‘cause I’ve found I get the same affect just by standing up really fast.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast, the mime next door when nuts.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch it makes him spit. This is why you should never date a baseball player.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out I lock ever other one. I figure no matter how long someone stands there picking the locks they are always locking 3.
Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork?
My mum said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learnt to swim… I said “mum they weren’t trying to teach you to swim.”
If you don’t like my attitude, stop talking to me!
I’m not deaf; I’m just not listening to you.
I’ve used all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
A conclusion is simply the place where you get tired of thinking.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup!
If I want to her the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.
What ever kind of look you were going for you missed!
I’m not your type, I’m not inflatable.
Save your breath, you’ll need it to blow up your date.
lol ok i think thats enough....if you want more let me know!!! ^^ Enjoy
It’s better to stay quiet and be though a fool, then open your mouth and remove all doubt…
My imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
If you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie and wipe the seatie!!
What men want:
A tall well built women with good
Reputation, who can cook frog
Legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
Shcia garden, classic music and tal-
King with out being to serious.
(No wait what am I saying, only read lines 1, 3 & 5)
I was standing in the park thinking why Frisbees got bigger as they got closer… then it hit me.
Sex is like math, you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and hope to god you don’t multiply!!
I hate (name)! No wait that’s not nice – I DISLIKE (name) VERY much!
Curiosity didn’t kill the cat, curiosity made the kittens.
You’re so ugly that when you went to Neverland Michael Jackson told you to sleep in the other room.
Santa says he is going on a strike this year but don't worry Michael Jackson has said he is willing to creep into kids rooms at night and empty his sack.
(sorry to all the people that are Michael Jackson fans)
You mean so much to me if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket....I would really ****ing miss you!
I killed an elephant in my pj’s the other night… how it got there I don’t know…
Some people cause happiness where ever they go, others when ever they go.
Ok say you are an ambulance driver going to the scene of an accident, and you run over someone, do you stop to help them?
If Dracula can’t see his reflection in a mirror, then why is his hair always so neatly combed?
I bought the kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note saying “Toys not included.”
When I was a kid I used to pray ever night for a new bike. Then I realised the Lord doesn’t work that way, so I stole one and asked him for forgiveness.
Its better to be pissed off, then pissed on.
Don’t steal the government doesn’t like competition
Don’t play stupid with me, I’m better at it.
I’m old enough to know better, but young enough to do it anyways.
If a guy ever tells you to suck it say – I choke on small things.
Just because people don’t understand you, doesn’t make you an artist.
Careful what you tell me, I might do something stupid like believe it!
Very funny Scotty… Now beam down my clothes!!
There are 3 kinds of people, those who can count and thoughs who can’t.
Who ever said nothing was impossible, never tried slamming a revolving door.
Mirrors don’t talk, and luckily for you they don’t laugh.
To catch me you gotta be fast, to find me you gotta be smart, to be me… DAMN you gotta be kidding!
There are easier things in life then finding true love… like nailing jelly to a tree fro instance…
Kisses spread germs,
And germs are hated.
So kiss me baby,
I’ve vaccinated!
If you want me to fall for you, you gotta give me something worth tripping over, and then promise to catch me!
Sure the lion is the kind of the jungle, but airdrop him into Antarctica and he’s just a penguins *beep*.
I don’t do drugs any more ‘cause I’ve found I get the same affect just by standing up really fast.
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast, the mime next door when nuts.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch it makes him spit. This is why you should never date a baseball player.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out I lock ever other one. I figure no matter how long someone stands there picking the locks they are always locking 3.
Is it progress if a cannibal uses a knife and fork?
My mum said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That’s how she learnt to swim… I said “mum they weren’t trying to teach you to swim.”
If you don’t like my attitude, stop talking to me!
I’m not deaf; I’m just not listening to you.
I’ve used all my sick days, so I’m calling in dead.
A conclusion is simply the place where you get tired of thinking.
Well, this day was a total waste of makeup!
If I want to her the pitter patter of little feet, I’ll put shoes on my cat.
What ever kind of look you were going for you missed!
I’m not your type, I’m not inflatable.
Save your breath, you’ll need it to blow up your date.
lol ok i think thats enough....if you want more let me know!!! ^^ Enjoy
Q) how does michael jackson pick his nose?
A) from a catalog!
sorry for mj fans i just thought that was funny
A) from a catalog!
sorry for mj fans i just thought that was funny
The more I learn, the more I forget. So why would I learn?
When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Just tell Nemo that you couldn't find him because you were getting stoned... he'll understand.
Just think, if your name was "Sleep", I could be doing you in my bed right now.
Eating... because fat kids are harder to kidnap
Oh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea . . . Spongebob Square Pants! Who's left the computer ‘cause they had to pee . . . Take a wild guess - BrB
If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You get eaten only once, too. It takes four minutes to get hard, and only two minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom! So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!
Hi ho, hi ho . . . its off to school we go! We hear the bell and run like hell, hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho . . . hi ho, it's off to school we go! We learn some junk and then we flunk, hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho!
I'm in the shower, I'll be ba... wait a minute! You're thinking of me naked, aren't you?! Well if you weren't before, you are now.
Some like it hard, some like it soft. Some prefer up and down over side to side, but either way it ends up going in and out . . . What, I'm brushing my teeth, you PERV . . . BrB
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. I'm busy moving it back.
®håppinꧧ i§ £ikê wêtting u® pånt§ êvê®y1 cån §êê it but on£y u cån fêê£ it'§ wå®mth®
Smile it scares the *beep* out of people
Im like a chinese kid on rice
What starts with F and ends in uck ~~~~~> FIRE TRUK! What were *YOU* thinking?
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose:)
Help! I've fallen and can't get...hey nice carpet
You know ur drunk when you fall off the floor
Im not a complete idiot some things are missing
Do I look like I care? Opps....let me try agian
¤I didn't dø it, nø ønê §aw mê dø it, thê®ê's nø way u cån p®øvê ånything!¤
Sorry I just got lost in thought it was unfamiliar territory
Act your age not your show size!:D
Lå§t ñight i wås låyiñg iñ my bêd løøkiñg up åt the §tår§ whêñ i reåli§êd...whêrê thê f*uck is my cêiliñg!?!?
If you like me I don't give a *beep*...Cuz I don't like you either
You can like me, you can love me, Don't give a *beep* if you think nothing of me
¤.¸¸.·´¨`»Døn't måkê mê unlêå§h thê illêgål §påcê chickêñ§ iñ pu®plê buññy §uit§«´¨`·.¸¸ .¤
Turn out the lights....Your face freaks me out
My roller coaster seems to have broken down...can I ride you instead
It's not when animals attack its when stupid people get bit.
How can I miss you if you don't go away?
Im busy, your ugly have a nice day
Are you a *beep* ray of sunshine everyday?
My parents said I could become anything, So I decided to become drunk
Everyone's entitled to be stupid...But your just abusing the privilege
The more I learn, the more I forget. So why would I learn?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes
Saying you'll never fall in love again is like saying you'll never smile again. As much as you might not want to, someone's just going to come along and make you
1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor
Gone to find my split personalities. Frank, George, and I will be back later.
A skater broke my heart...So I broke his board:)
When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Just tell Nemo that you couldn't find him because you were getting stoned... he'll understand.
Just think, if your name was "Sleep", I could be doing you in my bed right now.
Eating... because fat kids are harder to kidnap
Oh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea . . . Spongebob Square Pants! Who's left the computer ‘cause they had to pee . . . Take a wild guess - BrB
If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You get eaten only once, too. It takes four minutes to get hard, and only two minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom! So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!
Hi ho, hi ho . . . its off to school we go! We hear the bell and run like hell, hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho . . . hi ho, it's off to school we go! We learn some junk and then we flunk, hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho!
I'm in the shower, I'll be ba... wait a minute! You're thinking of me naked, aren't you?! Well if you weren't before, you are now.
Some like it hard, some like it soft. Some prefer up and down over side to side, but either way it ends up going in and out . . . What, I'm brushing my teeth, you PERV . . . BrB
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. I'm busy moving it back.
®håppinꧧ i§ £ikê wêtting u® pånt§ êvê®y1 cån §êê it but on£y u cån fêê£ it'§ wå®mth®
Smile it scares the *beep* out of people
Im like a chinese kid on rice
What starts with F and ends in uck ~~~~~> FIRE TRUK! What were *YOU* thinking?
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose:)
Help! I've fallen and can't get...hey nice carpet
You know ur drunk when you fall off the floor
Im not a complete idiot some things are missing
Do I look like I care? Opps....let me try agian
¤I didn't dø it, nø ønê §aw mê dø it, thê®ê's nø way u cån p®øvê ånything!¤
Sorry I just got lost in thought it was unfamiliar territory
Act your age not your show size!:D
Lå§t ñight i wås låyiñg iñ my bêd løøkiñg up åt the §tår§ whêñ i reåli§êd...whêrê thê f*uck is my cêiliñg!?!?
If you like me I don't give a *beep*...Cuz I don't like you either
You can like me, you can love me, Don't give a *beep* if you think nothing of me
¤.¸¸.·´¨`»Døn't måkê mê unlêå§h thê illêgål §påcê chickêñ§ iñ pu®plê buññy §uit§«´¨`·.¸¸ .¤
Turn out the lights....Your face freaks me out
My roller coaster seems to have broken down...can I ride you instead
It's not when animals attack its when stupid people get bit.
How can I miss you if you don't go away?
Im busy, your ugly have a nice day
Are you a *beep* ray of sunshine everyday?
My parents said I could become anything, So I decided to become drunk
Everyone's entitled to be stupid...But your just abusing the privilege
The more I learn, the more I forget. So why would I learn?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes
Saying you'll never fall in love again is like saying you'll never smile again. As much as you might not want to, someone's just going to come along and make you
1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor
Gone to find my split personalities. Frank, George, and I will be back later.
A skater broke my heart...So I broke his board:)
LMAO! Those crack me up! Especially this one:
QUOTE
Eating... because fat kids are harder to kidnap
MORE ^^ hehe even if ya don't ask these are more like stories and other silly things than quotes but i think they are still really funny!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW.” He thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle jumped from 80 to 90, 100mph… then reality of the situation hit him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought to himself and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence with out a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and I’ve been at it all day. I don’t feel like more paper work so if you can give me an excuse for you driving I haven’t heard before you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and then says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend.” The officer said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cucumber, a pickle and a *beep* talking.” My life sucks” says the cucumber. “When I get big, fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in a salad. “All they do to me is add me to vinegar and stick me in a jar.” Says the pickle. The *beep* says all they do is put a rubber trap over my head, put me in a dark room and bang my head till I throw up and pass out…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Nobby’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (Talk about a news flash!)
I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: on a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of chips: you could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: “Direction: use like regular soap.” (And that would be how???...)
On some frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (But it’s “just” a suggestion).
On Nanna’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.” (Well….duh! a bit late huh)
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head cold off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (And I’m taking this because?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I Mature...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just *beep*.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
* * * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
* * * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condom she’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
* * * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK.
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR *beep*
6. YOU CAN’T GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR *beep*
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WON’T GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR *beep*
12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHLE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR *beep*
14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DONT IS A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
(i really like these ones)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things that *beep* me off.
People who point at their wrist while asking for
the time. I know where my watch is, buddy ... where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is??
People in the supermarket check out line who wait until their entire bill is rung up before they begin writing their check. Hello ... is the store name going to change, or the date, or your signature before the clerk finishes? Get a clue!
People who are willing to get off their *beep* to
search the entire room for the damn TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change it manually!
When people say..."It's always the last place you
look." No *beep*!! Why the hell would you keep
looking for it after you've already found it?? Do
people do this?? Who and where are they??
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you
see that?" No, dumb *beep*, I paid $7.50 to come to a
theater and stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for??
People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?"
Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
When something is "New & Improved," Which is it?
If it's new, there has never been anything before like it. If it's an improvement then there must have been something before it!
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. "You should know, *beep*. You're the one that pulled me over!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time there was a frog,
who lived in a lake all by himself.
He had been given special powers by a local
witch. One day he finally ventured out of the
lake to get his first glimpse of
the world outside. The first thing he saw was a
bear chasing a rabbit, so he called out to them and
asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three
wishes. You will each take turns using them and
you have to use them now."
The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like
for every bear in this
forest to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet."
This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for
every bear in the neighbouring forest to be female."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again.
"I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and
the bear wondered why the
rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of
money with which he could buy himself a
motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all
the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the
motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off
like a bat out of hell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some pick up & *beep* off lines.
Guy: Hey baby….. Let’s play “carpenter.” First we get hammered then ill nail you.
Girl: you didn’t bring enough wood…
Guy: hey baby…. You must be from Jamaica because Jamaican me horny!
Girl: you must be from the Yukon…..Because Yukon go screw yourself.
Guy: hey baby….. Your butt’s so nice it’s a shame you have to sit on it.
Girl: Well….. Not everyone can wear their’s on their shoulders.
Guy: Hey baby….You’ve got it going on, how about I see it coming off?
Girl: I’m sorry….I didn’t see the weather channel today….Did hells freeze over?
Guy: Hey baby you must be a GENERAL because you’re making my PRIVATES stand at attention.
Girl: Hmmm….They’re still a MAJOR disappointment…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things my Mother taught me….
She taught me about Envy… “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
She taught me about Behaviour Modifications… “Stop acting like your father.”
She taught me about the Circle of Life…. “I bought you into this world and I can take you out.”
She taught me about Stamina… “You’ll sit there till all your spinach is finished.”
She taught me about a job well done…. “If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside… I just finished cleaning.”
She taught me about time travel… “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
She taught me about Foresight…”Make sure you take clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
She even taught me about Logic… “Because I said so, that’s why.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three tortoises, Troy, Andy and Wayne, decide to go on a picnic. Troy packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there, Troy unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it" says Wayne "I thought you packed it"
Troy gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Troy and Andy beg Wayne to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Wayne sets off down the road at a steady pace.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Troy and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them, Wayne pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I knew it!...I'm not *beep* going!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters:
EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:
THAT *beep* SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR
The New California Governor has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, The Terminator's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Austro-English" (or, perhaps even better, "Austrionics".)
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and
keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hat a reil sensibl
riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali
kum tru.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A black man was talking to a white man and said:
"I'm black.
When I was born, I was black.
When I grew up, I was black.
When I'm sick, I'm black.
When I go in the sun, I'm black.
When I'm cold, I'm black.
When I die, I'll still be black.
But you:
When you were born, you were pink.
When you grew up, you were white.
When you're sick, you're green.
When you go in the sun, you're red.
When you're cold, you're blue.
When you die, you'll be purple.
And you have the nerve to call me coloured?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
º¤.->Learn Chinese in Five Minutes!<-.¤º
1) That's not right ......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?.............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ............................. Dum *beep*
5) Small Horse ............................ Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ................ Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ............ Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8. I think you need a face lift ............ Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ................. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ............ Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka
12) Your body odor is offensive ............ Yu Stin Ki Pu
(i love these ones too ^^)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And last of all......
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked him. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move.” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?!?!” The teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know.” Explained the boy, “I leaned over and went, Pssst! And it didn’t move.”
A small boy is sent to bed by his farther. 5 minutes later:
“Da-aaad..”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink?”
“No, you had your chance, lights out.”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad..”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaaaad..”
“When you come to spank me can you bring me a drink of water?”
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until God says, “For heavens sake, Dylan, it’s either come in or stay out!””
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year-old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower. She said, “Mummy, you are getting fat!” I replied “Yes, honey, remember mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know.” She replied, “But what’s growing in your butt?”
A little girl goes to the barbers shop with her farther. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snake cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re going to get hair on your Twinkie.” She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m going to get boobs too.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope they made you laugh ^^
these are more like stories and other silly things than quotes but i think they are still really funny!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW out on the highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze blowing through what was left of his hair, and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80mph he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. “There’s no way they can catch a BMW.” He thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle jumped from 80 to 90, 100mph… then reality of the situation hit him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought to himself and pulled over. The cop came up to him, took his licence with out a word, and examined it and the car. “It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and I’ve been at it all day. I don’t feel like more paper work so if you can give me an excuse for you driving I haven’t heard before you can go.” The guy thinks for a second and then says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.” “Have a nice weekend.” The officer said.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A cucumber, a pickle and a *beep* talking.” My life sucks” says the cucumber. “When I get big, fat and juicy they cut me up and put me in a salad. “All they do to me is add me to vinegar and stick me in a jar.” Says the pickle. The *beep* says all they do is put a rubber trap over my head, put me in a dark room and bang my head till I throw up and pass out…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
On Nobby’s peanuts: “Warning: contains nuts.” (Talk about a news flash!)
I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one: on a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.” (…was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
On a Myer hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Darn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of chips: you could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Palmolive soap: “Direction: use like regular soap.” (And that would be how???...)
On some frozen dinners: “Serving suggestion: Defrost.” (But it’s “just” a suggestion).
On Nanna’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): “Do not turn upside down.” (Well….duh! a bit late huh)
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head cold off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: “Warning: May cause drowsiness.” (And I’m taking this because?)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As I Mature...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just *beep*.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place!
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dinner with the Girlfriend's Parents
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
* * * * * * * * * *
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
* * * * * * * * * *
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condom she’d like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
* * * * * * * * * *
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"
* * * * * * * * * *
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
* * * * * * * * * *
A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.
* * * * * * * * * *
10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
* * * * * * * * * *
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."
* * * * * * * * * *
The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
LIST OF POSSIBLE SLOGANS PROMOTING NATIONAL CONDOM WEEK.
1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP
2. BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR *beep*
6. YOU CAN’T GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR *beep*
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOIN TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8. IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WON’T GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR *beep*
12. IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHLE YR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR *beep*
14. WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DONT IS A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
(i really like these ones
)~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things that *beep* me off.
People who point at their wrist while asking for
the time. I know where my watch is, buddy ... where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is??
People in the supermarket check out line who wait until their entire bill is rung up before they begin writing their check. Hello ... is the store name going to change, or the date, or your signature before the clerk finishes? Get a clue!
People who are willing to get off their *beep* to
search the entire room for the damn TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change it manually!
When people say..."It's always the last place you
look." No *beep*!! Why the hell would you keep
looking for it after you've already found it?? Do
people do this?? Who and where are they??
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you
see that?" No, dumb *beep*, I paid $7.50 to come to a
theater and stare at the ceiling up there. What did you come here for??
People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?"
Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?
When something is "New & Improved," Which is it?
If it's new, there has never been anything before like it. If it's an improvement then there must have been something before it!
When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going. "You should know, *beep*. You're the one that pulled me over!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Once upon a time there was a frog,
who lived in a lake all by himself.
He had been given special powers by a local
witch. One day he finally ventured out of the
lake to get his first glimpse of
the world outside. The first thing he saw was a
bear chasing a rabbit, so he called out to them and
asked them to stop. Then he said to them: "I am a magical frog and since you are the first two animals I have ever seen, I am going to grant you both three
wishes. You will each take turns using them and
you have to use them now."
The bear (being greedy) went first. "I would like
for every bear in this
forest to be female except for me."
A magical sound and it was done.
Then the rabbit. "I would like a helmet."
This confused both the frog and the bear, but after a magical sound there was a helmet.
It was the bear's turn again. "I would like for
every bear in the neighbouring forest to be female."
A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit went again.
"I would like a motorcycle." Both the frog and
the bear wondered why the
rabbit didn't just ask for a lot of
money with which he could buy himself a
motorcycle, but after a magical sound there was a motorcycle.
The bear took his last wish. "I would like for all
the bears in the world to be female except for me." A magical sound and it was done.
The rabbit then put on his helmet, started up the
motorcycle, and said "I wish the bear was gay" and took off
like a bat out of hell.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Some pick up & *beep* off lines.
Guy: Hey baby….. Let’s play “carpenter.” First we get hammered then ill nail you.
Girl: you didn’t bring enough wood…
Guy: hey baby…. You must be from Jamaica because Jamaican me horny!
Girl: you must be from the Yukon…..Because Yukon go screw yourself.
Guy: hey baby….. Your butt’s so nice it’s a shame you have to sit on it.
Girl: Well….. Not everyone can wear their’s on their shoulders.
Guy: Hey baby….You’ve got it going on, how about I see it coming off?
Girl: I’m sorry….I didn’t see the weather channel today….Did hells freeze over?
Guy: Hey baby you must be a GENERAL because you’re making my PRIVATES stand at attention.
Girl: Hmmm….They’re still a MAJOR disappointment…
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Things my Mother taught me….
She taught me about Envy… “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
She taught me about Behaviour Modifications… “Stop acting like your father.”
She taught me about the Circle of Life…. “I bought you into this world and I can take you out.”
She taught me about Stamina… “You’ll sit there till all your spinach is finished.”
She taught me about a job well done…. “If you two are going to kill each other, do it outside… I just finished cleaning.”
She taught me about time travel… “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
She taught me about Foresight…”Make sure you take clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
She even taught me about Logic… “Because I said so, that’s why.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three tortoises, Troy, Andy and Wayne, decide to go on a picnic. Troy packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there, Troy unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Wayne give me the bottle opener" "I didn't bring it" says Wayne "I thought you packed it"
Troy gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.
Troy and Andy beg Wayne to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.
So Wayne sets off down the road at a steady pace.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Troy and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat them, Wayne pops up from behind a rock and shouts, "I knew it!...I'm not *beep* going!”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Someone out there either has too much spare time or is deadly at Scrabble.
GEORGE BUSH: When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
DORMITORY: When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
EVANGELIST: When you rearrange the letters:
EVIL'S AGENT
PRESBYTERIAN: When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
DESPERATION: When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE MORSE CODE: When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES: When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY: When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
MOTHER-IN-LAW: When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS: When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z'S
A DECIMAL POINT: When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES: When you rearrange the letters:
THAT *beep* SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO: When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NEW CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR
The New California Governor has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the state, rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations, The Terminator's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as "Austro-English" (or, perhaps even better, "Austrionics".)
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this
will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be
dropped in favour of the "k". This should klear up konfusion, and
keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with the "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the
languag is disgrasful and it should go away. By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing th" with "z" and "w" with "v". During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords
kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hat a reil sensibl
riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali
kum tru.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A black man was talking to a white man and said:
"I'm black.
When I was born, I was black.
When I grew up, I was black.
When I'm sick, I'm black.
When I go in the sun, I'm black.
When I'm cold, I'm black.
When I die, I'll still be black.
But you:
When you were born, you were pink.
When you grew up, you were white.
When you're sick, you're green.
When you go in the sun, you're red.
When you're cold, you're blue.
When you die, you'll be purple.
And you have the nerve to call me coloured?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
º¤.->Learn Chinese in Five Minutes!<-.¤º
1) That's not right ......................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harbouring a fugitive?.............. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP................................ Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ............................. Dum *beep*
5) Small Horse ............................ Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ................ Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ............ Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8. I think you need a face lift ............ Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ................. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ............ Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) He's cleaning his automobile ............ Wa Shing Ka
12) Your body odor is offensive ............ Yu Stin Ki Pu
(i love these ones too ^^)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And last of all......
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat, but it was dead. “How do you know that the cat was dead?” she asked him. “Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move.” answered the child innocently. “You did WHAT?!?!” The teacher exclaimed in surprise. “You know.” Explained the boy, “I leaned over and went, Pssst! And it didn’t move.”
A small boy is sent to bed by his farther. 5 minutes later:
“Da-aaad..”
“What?”
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring me a drink?”
“No, you had your chance, lights out.”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaad..”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?”
“I told you NO! If you ask again I’ll have to spank you!!”
Five minutes later: “Da-aaaaaad..”
“When you come to spank me can you bring me a drink of water?”
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into heaven?” The boy thought it over and said, “Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until God says, “For heavens sake, Dylan, it’s either come in or stay out!””
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year-old came into the room as I was preparing to get into the shower. She said, “Mummy, you are getting fat!” I replied “Yes, honey, remember mummy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know.” She replied, “But what’s growing in your butt?”
A little girl goes to the barbers shop with her farther. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snake cake. The barber says to her, “Sweetheart, you’re going to get hair on your Twinkie.” She says, “Yes, I know, and I’m going to get boobs too.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hope they made you laugh ^^
JUST A FEW:
definition of embarrassing: running into the wall with an erection but braking your nose first.
the blonde stared at the orange juice because it said concentrate
why did the blonde think the ocean was freiendly?.. because it waved
why did tigger take a bath.. because he played with pooh all day
ur mamma so fat she stepped onto a scale and it said..'' to be continued''
y couldnt the bike stand up.. it was 2 tired
y did the mirror hae 6 holes in it.. a blonde tried 2 kill herself
2 peanuts walked down the street.. 1 was a salted
definition of embarrassing: running into the wall with an erection but braking your nose first.
the blonde stared at the orange juice because it said concentrate
why did the blonde think the ocean was freiendly?.. because it waved
why did tigger take a bath.. because he played with pooh all day
ur mamma so fat she stepped onto a scale and it said..'' to be continued''
y couldnt the bike stand up.. it was 2 tired
y did the mirror hae 6 holes in it.. a blonde tried 2 kill herself
2 peanuts walked down the street.. 1 was a salted
haha those are SO funny! Keep posting.
those jokes are halarious!! can we get some more??
I found this site just now and thought maybe i'd share it..Some of the things on there have swearing or a a bit gross, and disturbing >< but mostly its just funny. The i'm pasting is set on a video which i thought was funny. But there are alot more funny things! You should check em out.
http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/54/*beep*...cher+Two/stream
Oh also if you find one thing that you think is really funny post it ^^ i'd like to see it, and maybe even others!
http://www.funnyjunk.com/movies/54/*beep*...cher+Two/stream
Oh also if you find one thing that you think is really funny post it ^^ i'd like to see it, and maybe even others!
http://www.funnyjunk.com/pages/world.htm <this one is also really funny...but it has swearing in it...just thought i'd warn you all.
one day a boy came to class without a shirt..
the teacher asked him''child , why dont you have a shirt on?''
the boy replied''i was on top of cherri hill''
then a boy with no pants comes in to class..
the teacher asks him ''why dont you have any pants on?''
the boy replied''i was on top of cherri hill''
when suddenly a girl comes in but she was naked...
soo the teacher tells her''let me guess you were on top of cherri hill?''
the girl says ''nope i am cherri hill''
the teacher asked him''child , why dont you have a shirt on?''
the boy replied''i was on top of cherri hill''
then a boy with no pants comes in to class..
the teacher asks him ''why dont you have any pants on?''
the boy replied''i was on top of cherri hill''
when suddenly a girl comes in but she was naked...
soo the teacher tells her''let me guess you were on top of cherri hill?''
the girl says ''nope i am cherri hill''
Hahahaha I've heard that one before but it's great! Does anybody have anymore... short, long, in between... it doesn't matter. Thanks!
*Lindsey
*Lindsey
umm i may have some more lol
i WAS in A park WONDERING y FRIZBEES got BIGGER as THEY got CLOSER.. then IT hit ME
i tHoUgHt I wAs A NuT tHe dAY ThE sQuRrAL wAs LoOkInG aT mE wEiRd
^^ those are my 2 personal favorites lol
Never kiss at the gardens gate, cause love may be blind but the neighbours aint
Blondes>>
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
Boys are like slinkys, its fun to watch them fall down stairs.
FeW wOmEn AdMiT tHeIr AgE;
fEw MEN AcT ThEiRs.
Guys are like High heels...
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
-Guyz are great...every girl should own one-
~Grow your own dope....Plant a GuY!~
some of those are fuinny lol
i WAS in A park WONDERING y FRIZBEES got BIGGER as THEY got CLOSER.. then IT hit ME
i tHoUgHt I wAs A NuT tHe dAY ThE sQuRrAL wAs LoOkInG aT mE wEiRd
^^ those are my 2 personal favorites lol
Never kiss at the gardens gate, cause love may be blind but the neighbours aint
Blondes>>
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate"
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
she thought a quarterback was a refund.
she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home
Boys are like slinkys, its fun to watch them fall down stairs.
FeW wOmEn AdMiT tHeIr AgE;
fEw MEN AcT ThEiRs.
Guys are like High heels...
They're easy to walk on once you get the hang of it.
-Guyz are great...every girl should own one-
~Grow your own dope....Plant a GuY!~
some of those are fuinny lol
Three couples went to see a minister to find out how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"A can of paint?!?" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle aged and the third couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
"A can of paint?!?" exclaimed the minister.
"Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up, I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over."
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
"That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."
10 Commandments of a Teenager
1 Thou shall not sneak out wen parents are sleeping.......why wait!
2 Thou shall not do drugz of any sort...........alchol lasts longer
3Thou shall not steal from K-Mart..........Target has a bigger selection
4 Thou shall not get arrested 4 vandalism..........destruction has a bigger effect
5 Thou shall not steal from thy parents............ everyone knows grandma has more money
6 Thou shall not get into fights............... just start them
7 Thou shall not skip class........ just take the whole day off!
8 Thou shall not strip in class......... Hooters pays more
9 Thou shall not think about having sex............. as Nike says "just do it"
10 Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street......... just leave them in the middle
1 Thou shall not sneak out wen parents are sleeping.......why wait!
2 Thou shall not do drugz of any sort...........alchol lasts longer
3Thou shall not steal from K-Mart..........Target has a bigger selection
4 Thou shall not get arrested 4 vandalism..........destruction has a bigger effect
5 Thou shall not steal from thy parents............ everyone knows grandma has more money
6 Thou shall not get into fights............... just start them
7 Thou shall not skip class........ just take the whole day off!
8 Thou shall not strip in class......... Hooters pays more
9 Thou shall not think about having sex............. as Nike says "just do it"
10 Thou shall not help old ladies cross the street......... just leave them in the middle
Statement of Love: The Kiss
>1. Kiss on the hand.... I adore you
>2. Kiss on the cheek... I just want to be friends
>3. Kiss on the neck... I want you
>4. Kiss on the lips... I love you
>5. Kiss on the ears... I am just playing
>6. Kiss anywhere else ... lets not get carried
away
>7. Look in your eyes ... kiss me
>8. Playing with your hair... I can't live
without you
>9. Hand on your waist... I love you to much
to let you go
>1. Kiss on the hand.... I adore you
>2. Kiss on the cheek... I just want to be friends
>3. Kiss on the neck... I want you
>4. Kiss on the lips... I love you
>5. Kiss on the ears... I am just playing
>6. Kiss anywhere else ... lets not get carried
away
>7. Look in your eyes ... kiss me
>8. Playing with your hair... I can't live
without you
>9. Hand on your waist... I love you to much
to let you go
Spell your name:
A-You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
B-You are always cautious when it comes to meeting new people.
C-You definitely have a partier side in you, dont be shy to show it.
D-You have trouble trusting people.
E-You are a very exciting person.
F-Everyone loves you.
G-You have excellent ways of viewing people.
H-You are not judgemental.
I-You are always smiling & making others smile.
J-Jealousy.
K-You like to try new things.
L-Love is something you deeply believe in.
M-Success comes easily to you.
N-You like to work, but you always want a break.
O-You are very open-minded.
P-You are very friendly and understanding.
Q-You are a hypocrite.
R-You are a social butterfly.
S-You are very broad-minded.
T-You have an attitude, a big one.
U-You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
V-You have a very good physical and looks.
W-You like your privacy.
X-You never let people tell you what to do.
Y-You cause a lot of trouble.
Z-You're always fighting with someone
A-You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
B-You are always cautious when it comes to meeting new people.
C-You definitely have a partier side in you, dont be shy to show it.
D-You have trouble trusting people.
E-You are a very exciting person.
F-Everyone loves you.
G-You have excellent ways of viewing people.
H-You are not judgemental.
I-You are always smiling & making others smile.
J-Jealousy.
K-You like to try new things.
L-Love is something you deeply believe in.
M-Success comes easily to you.
N-You like to work, but you always want a break.
O-You are very open-minded.
P-You are very friendly and understanding.
Q-You are a hypocrite.
R-You are a social butterfly.
S-You are very broad-minded.
T-You have an attitude, a big one.
U-You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
V-You have a very good physical and looks.
W-You like your privacy.
X-You never let people tell you what to do.
Y-You cause a lot of trouble.
Z-You're always fighting with someone
Bored?? try this...
- Purr
- Run around in squares
- Drink straight shots...of water
- Plant a shoe
- Take your sofa for a walk
- Play the piano...with mittens on
- Cause a power failure
- Find a witch
- Burn her
- Donate your brother's body to science
- Ask why
- Sleepwalk without sleeping
- Ask stupid questions
- Surf Ohio
- Go bowling for small game
- Be a monk...for a day
- Run away
- Intimidate a piece of chalk
- Abuse the plumbing
- Bend a florescent light
- Bend a brick
- Annoy total strangers
- Throw marshmallows against the wall
- Hold an ice cube as long as possible
- Blow up a balloon until it pops
- Sing soft and sweet and clear
- Sing loud and sour and gravely
- Open everything
- Embarrass yourself
- Sit in a row
- Stack crumbs
- Make up words that start with X
- Make oatmeal in the bathtub
- Chew on a sofa cushion
- Sing a duet
- Hold your breath
- Faint
- Flash your mailman
- Teach your TA English
- Swear in Russian
- Record your walls
- Interview your feet
- Sell formaldehyde
- Rake your carpet
- Re-elect Richard Nixon
- Listen to a painting
- Play with matches
- Buff your cat
- Race ferrets
- Have a formal dinner at White Castle
- Change your mind
- Change it back
- Stand on your head
- Stand on someone else's head
- Test thin ice...with a pogo stick
- Apply for a unicorn hunting license
- Flash your goldfish
- Flirt with an evergreen
- Smile
- Rotate your garden...daily
- Shoot a fire hydrant
- Apologize to it
- Pretend you're blind
- Annoy yourself
- Get mad at yourself
- Stop speaking to yourself
- Put leg-warmers on your furniture
- Skydive to church
- Cheer up a potato
- Harness chipmunk power
- Mug a stop sign
- Challenge your neighbor to a duel
- Stomp grapes in the bathtub
- Find a bug and chase it
- Be immobile
- Check under chairs for chewing gum
- Moo
- Bounce a potato
- Outmaneuver your shadow
- Challenge yourself to a duel
- Eat everything
- Pour milk in the sink
- Make cottage cheese
- Flap
- Squawk
- Plug in the cat
- Turn on everything
- Send chills down your spine
- Get run over by a train of thought
- Make up famous sayings
- Have a proton fight
- Be someone special
- Take a picture
- Put it back
- Abuse your patio furniture
- Count to a million...fast
- Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
- Get a dog to chase your car
- Let him catch it
- Interrogate a gerbil
- Go bow hunting for Toyotas
- Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids
- Put out a fire
- If you can't find a fire, make one
- Throw a tomato into a fan
- Decay
- Design a better toilet seat
- Play air guitar
- Hold your hand
- Baby oil the floor
- Attack innocent bunnies
- Declare war
- Destroy a tree
- Seduce your stick shift
- Wink
- Polish your neck...use Pledge
- Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet
- Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn't one before
- Drink as much prune juice as you can
- Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres
- Sing the national anthem...during your calculus final
- Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes
- Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English
- See how small you can scrunch your face
- Go to a drive-in movie in a tank
- Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway
- Free the oppressed toasters of America
- Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave
- See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water
- Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while
- See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light...try green
- Increase your territorial holdings by force
- wear red, smack a bull, run
- put firecrackers in cow pies
- dress in brown and do your hair like antlers
- ...go hiking during hunting season
- hang a noose from a bridge
- hang a mannequin from the noose
- bungee jump using underwear elastic
- get autographs...from bums.
- trade 'em
- try to sell 'em
- velcro your hair to the ceiling
- bite your thumb at someone...see if they start shooting at you
- play speed-bump
- wrap yourself in rubberbands...jump out a window...see if you bounce
- squeeze a tomato (really hard)...run through the mall screaming "He had to die!"
- put spaghetti in a cut-open "cabbage patch" doll and give it to a mad dog
- ...show kid and say "behave or else"
- dress in a cape and tights and defend a toilet
- (this one's for Mr. Baldwin at CLA!!) rhyme everything for a week...afterwards refuse to speak
"......"
"......"
"......"
- break your silence with "NAME HIM JOHN! NAME HIM JOHN!"
- fly to Cuba...smuggle yourself
- race on your treadmill
- grease a trampoline
- dress like Mr. Rogers and sing "it’s a neighborly day in this beauty-wood . . .". Then go to a public place and show people how to tie their shoes, buy a model trolley, say "we are off to the land of make-believe", throw the trolley at the sun, then stare blankly toward the sun even after it falls
- start a mime club...club a mime
- hijack a subway and tell ‘em to take you to Libya
(In class:-)
- when someone tries to talk to you just stare at them blankly
- go to sleep everytime your teacher looks at you
- Make loud animal noises then deny doing it
- Walls made of brick. Count 'em.
- Plot revenge against someone
- See how long you can hold your breath
- Take your pants off and give them to the professor (that's a joke...... josh.....)
- Chew on your arm until someone notices
- Change seats every three minutes
- Run across the room, tag someone and say "You're it.".
- Think of five new ways to use your shoes.
- Start a wave
- Practice phrasing your answers in the form of a question
- Crawl around the room humming the music from Mission Impossible
- Take apart your desk
- Play rock-paper-scissors with yourself. Accuse your left hand of cheating.
- Throw your backpack at someone
- Run to the window, then say, "Sorry, I thought I saw the Bat-signal".
- Make a sundial.
- Give yourself a new identity.
- Write a screenplay about a diabetic Swedish girl who can't swim.
- Dig an escape tunnel
- Purr
- Run around in squares
- Drink straight shots...of water
- Plant a shoe
- Take your sofa for a walk
- Play the piano...with mittens on
- Cause a power failure
- Find a witch
- Burn her
- Donate your brother's body to science
- Ask why
- Sleepwalk without sleeping
- Ask stupid questions
- Surf Ohio
- Go bowling for small game
- Be a monk...for a day
- Run away
- Intimidate a piece of chalk
- Abuse the plumbing
- Bend a florescent light
- Bend a brick
- Annoy total strangers
- Throw marshmallows against the wall
- Hold an ice cube as long as possible
- Blow up a balloon until it pops
- Sing soft and sweet and clear
- Sing loud and sour and gravely
- Open everything
- Embarrass yourself
- Sit in a row
- Stack crumbs
- Make up words that start with X
- Make oatmeal in the bathtub
- Chew on a sofa cushion
- Sing a duet
- Hold your breath
- Faint
- Flash your mailman
- Teach your TA English
- Swear in Russian
- Record your walls
- Interview your feet
- Sell formaldehyde
- Rake your carpet
- Re-elect Richard Nixon
- Listen to a painting
- Play with matches
- Buff your cat
- Race ferrets
- Have a formal dinner at White Castle
- Change your mind
- Change it back
- Stand on your head
- Stand on someone else's head
- Test thin ice...with a pogo stick
- Apply for a unicorn hunting license
- Flash your goldfish
- Flirt with an evergreen
- Smile
- Rotate your garden...daily
- Shoot a fire hydrant
- Apologize to it
- Pretend you're blind
- Annoy yourself
- Get mad at yourself
- Stop speaking to yourself
- Put leg-warmers on your furniture
- Skydive to church
- Cheer up a potato
- Harness chipmunk power
- Mug a stop sign
- Challenge your neighbor to a duel
- Stomp grapes in the bathtub
- Find a bug and chase it
- Be immobile
- Check under chairs for chewing gum
- Moo
- Bounce a potato
- Outmaneuver your shadow
- Challenge yourself to a duel
- Eat everything
- Pour milk in the sink
- Make cottage cheese
- Flap
- Squawk
- Plug in the cat
- Turn on everything
- Send chills down your spine
- Get run over by a train of thought
- Make up famous sayings
- Have a proton fight
- Be someone special
- Take a picture
- Put it back
- Abuse your patio furniture
- Count to a million...fast
- Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
- Get a dog to chase your car
- Let him catch it
- Interrogate a gerbil
- Go bow hunting for Toyotas
- Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids
- Put out a fire
- If you can't find a fire, make one
- Throw a tomato into a fan
- Decay
- Design a better toilet seat
- Play air guitar
- Hold your hand
- Baby oil the floor
- Attack innocent bunnies
- Declare war
- Destroy a tree
- Seduce your stick shift
- Wink
- Polish your neck...use Pledge
- Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet
- Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn't one before
- Drink as much prune juice as you can
- Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres
- Sing the national anthem...during your calculus final
- Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes
- Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English
- See how small you can scrunch your face
- Go to a drive-in movie in a tank
- Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway
- Free the oppressed toasters of America
- Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave
- See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water
- Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while
- See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light...try green
- Increase your territorial holdings by force
- wear red, smack a bull, run
- put firecrackers in cow pies
- dress in brown and do your hair like antlers
- ...go hiking during hunting season
- hang a noose from a bridge
- hang a mannequin from the noose
- bungee jump using underwear elastic
- get autographs...from bums.
- trade 'em
- try to sell 'em
- velcro your hair to the ceiling
- bite your thumb at someone...see if they start shooting at you
- play speed-bump
- wrap yourself in rubberbands...jump out a window...see if you bounce
- squeeze a tomato (really hard)...run through the mall screaming "He had to die!"
- put spaghetti in a cut-open "cabbage patch" doll and give it to a mad dog
- ...show kid and say "behave or else"
- dress in a cape and tights and defend a toilet
- (this one's for Mr. Baldwin at CLA!!) rhyme everything for a week...afterwards refuse to speak
"......"
"......"
"......"
- break your silence with "NAME HIM JOHN! NAME HIM JOHN!"
- fly to Cuba...smuggle yourself
- race on your treadmill
- grease a trampoline
- dress like Mr. Rogers and sing "it’s a neighborly day in this beauty-wood . . .". Then go to a public place and show people how to tie their shoes, buy a model trolley, say "we are off to the land of make-believe", throw the trolley at the sun, then stare blankly toward the sun even after it falls
- start a mime club...club a mime
- hijack a subway and tell ‘em to take you to Libya
(In class:-)
- when someone tries to talk to you just stare at them blankly
- go to sleep everytime your teacher looks at you
- Make loud animal noises then deny doing it
- Walls made of brick. Count 'em.
- Plot revenge against someone
- See how long you can hold your breath
- Take your pants off and give them to the professor (that's a joke...... josh.....)
- Chew on your arm until someone notices
- Change seats every three minutes
- Run across the room, tag someone and say "You're it.".
- Think of five new ways to use your shoes.
- Start a wave
- Practice phrasing your answers in the form of a question
- Crawl around the room humming the music from Mission Impossible
- Take apart your desk
- Play rock-paper-scissors with yourself. Accuse your left hand of cheating.
- Throw your backpack at someone
- Run to the window, then say, "Sorry, I thought I saw the Bat-signal".
- Make a sundial.
- Give yourself a new identity.
- Write a screenplay about a diabetic Swedish girl who can't swim.
- Dig an escape tunnel
42 tHINGS tHAT wIll mAKe yOUR pARENTS gO cRAZY
1. Follow them around the house everywhere...
2. Moo when they say your name...
3. Run into walls...
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion...
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good
morning sunshine...
6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"...
7. Wear a sticker that says, "I’m a *beep*"...
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time...
9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"...
10. Do what they actually tell you...
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly...
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people...
13. At everything they say yell, Liar...
14. Try to swim in the floor...
15. Tap on their door all night...
16.Pretend to have amnesia...
17.Say everything backwards...
18.Give yourself a swirly...
19.Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling, "the sun!!! it's dying!!!"...
20.Sing at the top of your lungs while running around the house...in your underwear...
21.Have nervous spasms at spontaneous times...
22.Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder...
23.Run in circles...
24.Recite a whole movie 3 times...
25.Pretend to beat yourself up...
26.Slither everywhere...
27.Wear your pants on your head and your shirt on your waist... tell them you're making a
fashion statement...
28.Try and drink out of a glass the wrong way...
29.Super glue your finger up your nose...
30.Talk to a pen...
31.Lay face down and chant like an indian tribe...
32.Try and climb the wall...
33.Spread out on the window and buzz, pretending to be a fly...
34.Take your ice cream cone and put it one your forehead... say you're a lovely unicorn...
35.Put pegs on your nose and eyes...
36.Switch the light button on and off for a while. then say, "ooooh... I get it!!!"...
37.Eat your hair...
38.Whatever they are eating, tell them it looks like a certain animal...
39.Eat anything obviously not edible...
40.Say your pet is mocking you and chase it around the house...
41.When you shower or bathe yell, "i'm drowning!!!"…
42.Try to snorkel in your fish tank...
1. Follow them around the house everywhere...
2. Moo when they say your name...
3. Run into walls...
4. Say that wearing clothes is against your religion...
5. Stand over them at four in the morning with a huge grin on your face and say, good
morning sunshine...
6. Pluck someone's hair out and yell, "DNA"...
7. Wear a sticker that says, "I’m a *beep*"...
8. Have 20 imaginary friends that you talk to all the time...
9. In public yell, "No Mom/Dad, I will not make out with you!!"...
10. Do what they actually tell you...
11. Jump off the roof, trying to fly...
12. Hold their hand and whisper to them, I see dead people...
13. At everything they say yell, Liar...
14. Try to swim in the floor...
15. Tap on their door all night...
16.Pretend to have amnesia...
17.Say everything backwards...
18.Give yourself a swirly...
19.Run around with a lamp shade on your head yelling, "the sun!!! it's dying!!!"...
20.Sing at the top of your lungs while running around the house...in your underwear...
21.Have nervous spasms at spontaneous times...
22.Snort loudly when you laugh and then laugh harder...
23.Run in circles...
24.Recite a whole movie 3 times...
25.Pretend to beat yourself up...
26.Slither everywhere...
27.Wear your pants on your head and your shirt on your waist... tell them you're making a
fashion statement...
28.Try and drink out of a glass the wrong way...
29.Super glue your finger up your nose...
30.Talk to a pen...
31.Lay face down and chant like an indian tribe...
32.Try and climb the wall...
33.Spread out on the window and buzz, pretending to be a fly...
34.Take your ice cream cone and put it one your forehead... say you're a lovely unicorn...
35.Put pegs on your nose and eyes...
36.Switch the light button on and off for a while. then say, "ooooh... I get it!!!"...
37.Eat your hair...
38.Whatever they are eating, tell them it looks like a certain animal...
39.Eat anything obviously not edible...
40.Say your pet is mocking you and chase it around the house...
41.When you shower or bathe yell, "i'm drowning!!!"…
42.Try to snorkel in your fish tank...
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GUYS & GIRLS
Guys Drink and think about the girl
Girls drink and forget about the guy
When guys are in love, they become poor
When girls are in love, they become pretty
Guys can forget, but cannot forgive
Girls can forgive, but cannot forget
Guys care the most about the quantity of love
Girls care the most about the quality of love
Guys break-up when they fell the love from another girl
Girls break-up when they feel the feeling of separation from their man
Guys feel curiosity towards all girls
Girls feel curiosity towards guys when they are interested in her
When guys are heartbroken, they try to forget about the girl by going out with another girl
When girls are heartbroken, they try to find his characteristics from another guy
Guys wish to be her first love
Girls wish to be his last love
Click to view attachment
Guys Drink and think about the girl
Girls drink and forget about the guy
When guys are in love, they become poor
When girls are in love, they become pretty
Guys can forget, but cannot forgive
Girls can forgive, but cannot forget
Guys care the most about the quantity of love
Girls care the most about the quality of love
Guys break-up when they fell the love from another girl
Girls break-up when they feel the feeling of separation from their man
Guys feel curiosity towards all girls
Girls feel curiosity towards guys when they are interested in her
When guys are heartbroken, they try to forget about the girl by going out with another girl
When girls are heartbroken, they try to find his characteristics from another guy
Guys wish to be her first love
Girls wish to be his last love
Click to view attachment
do you have any funny qoutes about butts? lol
Haha my friend made this up I think she has some serious problems..
~My milking brings all the cows to the barn and there like wanna squeeze my nipple and I'm like only for a nickle~
Yeah Sorry about that my friend really wanted me to post it..
~My milking brings all the cows to the barn and there like wanna squeeze my nipple and I'm like only for a nickle~
Yeah Sorry about that my friend really wanted me to post it..
lol! wow that takes some imagination ;-p
L0LL these are HILARIOUS!
x0x0--chelbi
x0x0--chelbi
hey does ne body have any more all of these ARE GREAT!!!!
ne one have any more wayz 2 annoy ur parents...i luv those
Here are some funny stories i have. I hope you like em as much as i do! ^^
---------------
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi, an Australian, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
That Kiwi must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde thinks:
That Kiwi must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek.
The Kiwi thinks:
That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Kiwi again.
-----------------
Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember..
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I! guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure", I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there, on the couch...naked.
------------------------
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy mackeral" the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a stiffy and fell off my perch!"
----------------------
I hope you liked them!
---------------
Sitting together on a train, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were a Kiwi, an Australian, a little old Greek lady, and a young blonde Swiss girl.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the Kiwi has a bright red hand print on his cheek.
No one speaks.
The old lady thinks:
That Kiwi must have groped the blonde in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The blonde thinks:
That Kiwi must have tried to grope me in the dark, but missed and fondled the old lady. She slapped his cheek.
The Kiwi thinks:
That Australian must have groped the blonde in the dark. She tried to slap him but missed and got me instead.
The Australian thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, so I can smack that Kiwi again.
-----------------
Two weeks ago was my 40th birthday and I wasn't feeling too good that morning. I went to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say, "Happy Birthday!", and probably have a present for me.
As it turned out, she didn't even say good morning, let alone any happy birthday. I thought, well, that's wives for you, the children will remember..
The children came in to breakfast and didn't say a word. So when I left for the office, I was feeling pretty low and despondent..
As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, "Good morning, Boss. Happy Birthday". I felt a little better that someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day outside, and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "That's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!" We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go; instead we went out to a private little place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously.
On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it's such a beautiful day. We don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I! guess not."
She said, "Let's go to my apartment." After arriving at her apartment she said, "If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable" "Sure", I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ----- followed by my wife, children, and dozens of our friends, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there, on the couch...naked.
------------------------
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"
The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy mackeral" the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow," says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."
"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.
"When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie and kissed him passionately."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"Oh No!," he exclaims. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down...."
"WELL," demands the frantic guy, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"Damned if I know. I got a stiffy and fell off my perch!"
----------------------
I hope you liked them!
haha those were really funny
The more I learn, the more I forget. So why would I learn?
When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Just tell Nemo that you couldn't find him because you were getting stoned... he'll understand.
Just think, if your name was "Sleep", I could be doing you in my bed right now.
Eating... because fat kids are harder to kidnap
Oh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea . . . Spongebob Square Pants! Who's left the computer ‘cause they had to pee . . . Take a wild guess - BrB
If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You get eaten only once, too. It takes four minutes to get hard, and only two minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom! So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!
Hi ho, hi ho . . . its off to school we go! We hear the bell and run like hell, hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho . . . hi ho, it's off to school we go! We learn some junk and then we flunk, hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho!
I'm in the shower, I'll be ba... wait a minute! You're thinking of me naked, aren't you?! Well if you weren't before, you are now.
Some like it hard, some like it soft. Some prefer up and down over side to side, but either way it ends up going in and out . . . What, I'm brushing my teeth, you PERV . . . BrB
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. I'm busy moving it back.
®håppinꧧ i§ £ikê wêtting u® pånt§ êvê®y1 cån §êê it but on£y u cån fêê£ it'§ wå®mth®
Smile it scares the *beep* out of people
Im like a chinese kid on rice
What starts with F and ends in uck ~~~~~> FIRE TRUK! What were *YOU* thinking?
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose:)
Help! I've fallen and can't get...hey nice carpet
You know ur drunk when you fall off the floor
Im not a complete idiot some things are missing
Do I look like I care? Opps....let me try agian
¤I didn't dø it, nø ønê §aw mê dø it, thê®ê's nø way u cån p®øvê ånything!¤
Sorry I just got lost in thought it was unfamiliar territory
Act your age not your show size!:D
Lå§t ñight i wås låyiñg iñ my bêd løøkiñg up åt the §tår§ whêñ i reåli§êd...whêrê thê f*uck is my cêiliñg!?!?
If you like me I don't give a *beep*...Cuz I don't like you either
You can like me, you can love me, Don't give a *beep* if you think nothing of me
¤.¸¸.·´¨`»Døn't måkê mê unlêå§h thê illêgål §påcê chickêñ§ iñ pu®plê buññy §uit§«´¨`·.¸¸ .¤
Turn out the lights....Your face freaks me out
My roller coaster seems to have broken down...can I ride you instead
It's not when animals attack its when stupid people get bit.
How can I miss you if you don't go away?
Im busy, your ugly have a nice day
Are you a *beep* ray of sunshine everyday?
My parents said I could become anything, So I decided to become drunk
Everyone's entitled to be stupid...But your just abusing the privilege
The more I learn, the more I forget. So why would I learn?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes
Saying you'll never fall in love again is like saying you'll never smile again. As much as you might not want to, someone's just going to come along and make you
1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor
Gone to find my split personalities. Frank, George, and I will be back later.
A skater broke my heart...So I broke his board:)
--That's all I have now...I'll post more once I get some later:)
When I was younger I hated going to weddings... it seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, 'You're next.' They stopped that crap after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Just tell Nemo that you couldn't find him because you were getting stoned... he'll understand.
Just think, if your name was "Sleep", I could be doing you in my bed right now.
Eating... because fat kids are harder to kidnap
Oh, who lives in a pineapple under the sea . . . Spongebob Square Pants! Who's left the computer ‘cause they had to pee . . . Take a wild guess - BrB
If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once. You get eaten only once, too. It takes four minutes to get hard, and only two minutes to get soft. You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom! So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!
Hi ho, hi ho . . . its off to school we go! We hear the bell and run like hell, hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho . . . hi ho, it's off to school we go! We learn some junk and then we flunk, hi ho hi ho hi ho hi ho!
I'm in the shower, I'll be ba... wait a minute! You're thinking of me naked, aren't you?! Well if you weren't before, you are now.
Some like it hard, some like it soft. Some prefer up and down over side to side, but either way it ends up going in and out . . . What, I'm brushing my teeth, you PERV . . . BrB
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture. I'm busy moving it back.
®håppinꧧ i§ £ikê wêtting u® pånt§ êvê®y1 cån §êê it but on£y u cån fêê£ it'§ wå®mth®
Smile it scares the *beep* out of people
Im like a chinese kid on rice
What starts with F and ends in uck ~~~~~> FIRE TRUK! What were *YOU* thinking?
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose:)
Help! I've fallen and can't get...hey nice carpet
You know ur drunk when you fall off the floor
Im not a complete idiot some things are missing
Do I look like I care? Opps....let me try agian
¤I didn't dø it, nø ønê §aw mê dø it, thê®ê's nø way u cån p®øvê ånything!¤
Sorry I just got lost in thought it was unfamiliar territory
Act your age not your show size!:D
Lå§t ñight i wås låyiñg iñ my bêd løøkiñg up åt the §tår§ whêñ i reåli§êd...whêrê thê f*uck is my cêiliñg!?!?
If you like me I don't give a *beep*...Cuz I don't like you either
You can like me, you can love me, Don't give a *beep* if you think nothing of me
¤.¸¸.·´¨`»Døn't måkê mê unlêå§h thê illêgål §påcê chickêñ§ iñ pu®plê buññy §uit§«´¨`·.¸¸ .¤
Turn out the lights....Your face freaks me out
My roller coaster seems to have broken down...can I ride you instead
It's not when animals attack its when stupid people get bit.
How can I miss you if you don't go away?
Im busy, your ugly have a nice day
Are you a *beep* ray of sunshine everyday?
My parents said I could become anything, So I decided to become drunk
Everyone's entitled to be stupid...But your just abusing the privilege
The more I learn, the more I forget. So why would I learn?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes
Saying you'll never fall in love again is like saying you'll never smile again. As much as you might not want to, someone's just going to come along and make you
1 tequila, 2 tequila, 3 tequila, floor
Gone to find my split personalities. Frank, George, and I will be back later.
A skater broke my heart...So I broke his board:)
--That's all I have now...I'll post more once I get some later:)
My friend sent me this really stupid poem on Msn..
My mom has been insisting
That I'm somewhat overweight
But she's to blame for fixing
All those vittles that I ate.
I'm really not a fatty
And some might even say
That I'm just a little skinny
In a chubby sort of way.
I'm really not too heavy
From eating all that stuff
Looking at my doctor's chart
I'm just not tall enough.
My mom has been insisting
That I'm somewhat overweight
But she's to blame for fixing
All those vittles that I ate.
I'm really not a fatty
And some might even say
That I'm just a little skinny
In a chubby sort of way.
I'm really not too heavy
From eating all that stuff
Looking at my doctor's chart
I'm just not tall enough.
I dunno if anyone posted this or not and im not sure if it is a quote or not but here it goes...
If a cow laughed would milk squirt out of his nose?
I laughed so hard when I read that!
If a cow laughed would milk squirt out of his nose?
I laughed so hard when I read that!
i noticed your gangster. im pretty gangster myself
ive got lance in my pants. duh
i check my hair in car windows> and thats how i role
idk anyy hahahhahahhahah but i really need some so you guys need to post, mmkayyy? lol love you guys
xanga.com/L0vlyy_BraNdii__x
check out my xangauhhhhh, bye kiddoes
ive got lance in my pants. duh
i check my hair in car windows> and thats how i role
idk anyy hahahhahahhahah but i really need some so you guys need to post, mmkayyy? lol love you guys
xanga.com/L0vlyy_BraNdii__x
check out my xangauhhhhh, bye kiddoes
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