Everybody put their stupid jokes here. I need some fake chuckles

You know your a redneck if you go to a family reunion looking for a girlfriend.
=============================================
You might be a redneck if you think fast food is hitting a deer at 60 miles an hour.
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There are two morons standing on either side of a river.

The first moron yells to the second, "Hey! How do I get to the other side!"

The second moron replies, "You ARE on the other side!"
=============================================
2 guys walk into a bar, which is stupid because the 2nd guy should have ducked.
=============================================
A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms.
When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.

"What did you do that for?" he asked her.

"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.
=============================================

how do you make a blonde go crazy

put them in a circle room and tell them to pee in the corner


How does a blond confuse you?

She comes back and tells you she did it
=============================================
3 old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday"
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Why was the Tomato blushing? Because he saw the salad dressing.
=============================================

The next week when the little boy was visiting his grandmother he told her he knew how much she weighed and how old she was. The grandmother didn't believe him until he told her,"you weight 130lb., and you are 65 years old". Then the little boy in a ba shfull way wispered to his grandmother, "I also know you got an F in Sex".
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Why did the squirrel sleep on his stomach? To keep his nuts warm.
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Two sausages are in a pan. One looks at the other and says "god it's hot in here, and the other sausage says "OH MY GOD IT'S A TALKING SAUSAGE!"
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There are three kinds of people in the world. Those who can count. And those who can't.
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GHETTO's essay assignment - 25 yr old in the 7th grade:



1. foreclose: if i pay alimony today, i got no money forclose
2. rectum: i had 2 caddilacs but my bitch rectum both
3.disappointment: my parole officer tol' me if i miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint
4.israel: tito try to sell me a rolex, i say that look fake, he says bullsh** that watch israel
5. income: i just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife
6. omelette: "i should pop yo ass fo what you jus said but omelette dis one slide"
7. hotel:i gave my girlfriedn crabs and the ho tel everybody
8. undermine: there be a fine a** ho livin in the apartment undermine
9. stain: my mother in law stopped by and i said "are you stain for dinner?"
10. fortify: i axed this ho on the street, "how much", she said fortify
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What did the man at the beach say to Michael Jackson?

Get out of my son!

That's all I can think of as of now.

[size=18]what did the fish say when it hit the concreat wall?
::DAMN::


i bet you a 100 dollars you put your left shoe on frist...right?
yea..... so.......
that mean you have one shoe left....
yea.... so........
what one is left?
my right shoe!!!! lol

Why did the banana go to the docters?
because it wasnt peeling very well

Two muffins were in an oven. Thefirst muffin said, "Holy crap! It's hot in here!" The other muffin said, "HOLY CRAP! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

oh wow! i couldnt stop laughing, it then turned to crying. I had to go tell my family. they just sat there...tut

ive heard that one before! its so funni...& great!

What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A bad golfer goes, Whack! Darn!

and a bad skydiver goes Darn...WHACK!

What did the sock say to the foot?
You're putting me on!

One day, an Indian boy asked his mother, "Mom, how did I get my name?"

The mother replied, "I get all my children's names from the first thing I see on the way to the hospital. Like your brother Running Deer and your sister Flowing Creek. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Pee?"

Ok some of these are rated R Beware
Some one sent them to me. They are from funny.com
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dr. Seuss' lost tongue twister

See if you can do this:
Read each line aloud

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat





Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top
Betcha you can't resist passing it on.

I found it funny maybe you will
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A brunette, a red head, and a blonde were having a very
interesting conversation and it got around to their daughters.

The brunette said, "I went in my daughter's room the other day
and found a pack of ciggarettes, I didn't even know she smoked!"

The red head said, "I went in my daughter's room and found a
half-empty bottle of vodka! I didn't even know she drank!"

Then the blonde burst out and said, "I went in my daughter's
room and found a pack of condoms, half-empty, I didn't even know
she had a penis!"
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Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana,
Jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked Jill if she wanna.
Jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun.
but stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a son.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(A little boy walks up to his father and asks him a question.)

Boy: Dad, is God a man or a woman?

Father: Both, son, both.

(After a short while the boy comes back.)

Boy: Dad, is God black or white?

Father: (After thinking for a short while) Both, son, both.

(After another wait, the boy comes back again)

Boy: Dad, is Michael Jackson God?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day a little boy walks in on his parents having sex. He
looks at his father and says, "Daddy what is that?" The father
says, "Oh son that is....daddy's lawn mower!"

Then the boy says, "Daddy what's that between mommy's legs?" The
father hesitates for a moment then says, "Well son, that's
mommy's lawn!"

The little boy looks at his father again and asks, "What were
you doing?" Then the father says, "Well I was mowing mommy's
lawn!" The boy looks confused and says, "Well her lawn must grow
fast cause the mailman just mowed it yesterday!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Casper?

One is pale and scares kids and the other is a friendly ghost.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
President Clinton returned from a trip to Arkansas aboard Air Force One.
As he descended the steps, the Marine at the bottom of the steps saluted
and noticed the President was carrying a pig under each arm. "Nice pigs,
sir." Said the Marine. "I'll have you know young man," the President said,
"that these are genuine Arkansas Razorbacks, and I got one for Hillary and
one for Chelsea." The Marine saluted once more and said, "Excellent trade,
sir."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Republicans announced today they are changing their emblem from
a elephant to a condom because it more clearly reflects their
party's political stance.

A condom protects a bunch of dicks, and gives a sense of
security while screwing others, but is not really effective.

Haha. I love them. Those are my favs though.

haha they r good i heard sum be4 but tha ones i haent were funnie!

emalee

yes I was hoping some people would like them

you should put some more cause these are really good

lol funny stuff

One night a dumb blond was sitting on the porch with her friend, starring at the moon. The friend says: "I wonder which is closer, Seattle or the moon?"

The blond replies: "Hello!? you can't see Seattle from here!!

Another joke....

Wanna here a dirty joke?

William rolled in the mud.

Wanna here a clean joke?

William took a bath.

Wanna here a good joke?

William, took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna here a bad joke?

Bubbles is the girl next door.

There's an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch on her crotch area. So she goes to the doctor and the doctor says she has crabs. She says that it's impossible because she's a virgin. The doctor says she does anyway and he gives her this cream to apply every day.

She comes back to the doctor a week later and nothing has changed. The doctor says just give it another week... another week goes by and nothing has changed. So she goes to a second doctor and he checks her out and says "I have good news and bad news. The good news is you don't have crabs, the bad news is you cherry rotted and you have fruit flies."

3 old men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three"? "274" was his reply. The doctor says to the second man "It's your turn. What is three times three"? "Tuesday" replys the second man. The doctor says to the third man, "OK, Your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine" says the third man. "That's great" says the doctor. "How did you get that"? "Simple" says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday"

I dont get that joke

Imablndyinsd-



stupid being the key word there...

Two muffins were in an oven. Thefirst muffin said, "Holy crap! It's hot in here!" The other muffin said, "HOLY CRAP! A TALKING MUFFIN!"

How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?

She's got a tampon behind her ear and she's looking for her pencil





This took me a minute to get when I first heard it but OUCH when I figured it out.....THAT WOULD HURT!!!

Warning. some of these are rated R.


This guy is eating at an exclusive eatery when the waiter comes up to his table and asks if everything is OK. The man replies "Yes," but during the conversation drops his spoon on the floor. The waiter immediately pulls a spoon out of his shirt pocket.
The man asks, "Why do you carry a spoon in your pocket?"
The waiter states that the place is so busy all the time that the employees need to save time any way they can so they did a survey and the most dropped eating utensil was the spoon, so now all the waiters carry spoons so they don't have to go to the kitchen and get one. The man thinks that is great.
Later on the waiter again stops by to see if everything was OK. This time the man notices a string sticking out of the waiters zipper. He asks what that was for, and the waiter says, "When we go to the bathroom, we just grab the string and pull "it" out. That way we don't have to wash our hands, thus saving us time.
"Interesting," says the man, "but how do you put 'it' back in your pants when you're done?"
The waiter says, "I don't know about the other waiters, but I use the spoon."


10 Signs You Might Be Trailor Trash:
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
Somebody hollers "Hoe Down" and your girlfriend hits the floor.
If a tornado hits your home and causes $10,000 dollars worth of improvement.
Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey y'all watch this."
You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia boss.
You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.


A man suspected his wife of seeing another man so he hired a famous Chinese detective to watch and report activities while he was gone.
A few days later he received this report:
Most Hon'ble Sir,
You leave the house.
I watch house.
He come to house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree - look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree.
Not see.
No fee


A dude went into the drug store and asked to buy a rubber. The clerk told him he doesn't sell rubbers one at a time, he only sells packages of 6, 8 or 12. The dude asks why. The clerk said, "Well I don't make any money off these things but I carry them for my regular customers any way and that's how they buy them." The dude asks, "But why 6, 8 or 12?" The clerk said, "Well, those packs of six are for my Mexican customers. You know they do it six days a week and rest on the Sabbath." He asked, "What about the pack of eight?" The clerk said, "For my Black customers. You know they do it seven days a week and twice on Sunday." He asked, "And the packs of twelve?" The clerk said, "That's for my white customers. You know, January, February, March, ..................


This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face.
"Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named "Mighty Storm"?
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
"Why is my sister named "Cornflower"?
"Well, your father and I were in a cornfield, when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called "Moonchild"?
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived."
"Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"


1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3.Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America... do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America... do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America... do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.


There is a brunette and 11 blondes hanging over the edge of a
cliff off a piece of rope. They realize that the rope would
break if one of them didn't let go and they would all fall to
their deaths. The Brunette starts this big heartwarming speech
about how she is going to sacrifice herself for the others. At
the end of the speech the blondes all clap.


A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The
Russian said, "We were the first in space!" The American
said,"We were the first on the moon!" The Blonde said, "So
what, we're going to be the first on the sun!" The Russian and
the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You
can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the
Russian.. To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you
know. We're going at night!"


A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very
nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I
wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you
take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to
you!"


One day a Blonde walked into the doctors office with 2 red ears.
The doctor asked what happened. She said "I was ironing and the
phone rang and I picked up the iron by mistake. "What happened
to the other ear?" the doctor asked. "They called back."

^^hahahahaha those are great!! :-D

i can never find any jokes online... they are always really stupid but these are great so if anyone has anymore please post!!!

ha those are all great. i love them. the only one i can think of is...

there was a blonde, a brunette, and a red head. they all worked for a construction company. they are building a huge building. it is time for them to take a lunch break. the red head sees that her lunch is a hot dog. she says, "if my husband packs me a hog dog for lunch one more time im going to jump off this building" the brunette opens her lunch bag and sees its a cheeseburger. she says, "if my husband packs me a cheeseburger one more time im going to jump of this building". finally the blonde opens her lunch bad and sees its salad. she says, "if my husband packs me a salad for lunch one more time im going to jump of this building"

the next day the red head opens up her lunch bad and sees its a hog dog so she jumps off the building and dies. the brunette opens her lunch bag and sees it is a cheeseburger so she jumps off the building and dies. the blonde opens up her lunch bad and sees it is a salad. she umps off the building and dies.

the husbands are all at the scene of their wives suicide locations. they are all crying. the red heads husband says, "if i would have known she didnt want me to pack her a hotdog i wouldnt have." the brunette's husband said, "if i would have known she didnt want a cheeseburger i wouldnt have packed it for her". the blonde's husband says, "if i would have known she didnt want me to pack her a.. wait she packed her own lunch." ha that makes me laugh every time.

5 kinda long jokes!
I really like them! Enjoy!

There are three blondes in a detectives office applying for a job. The lead detective is interviewing them, so he holds up a profile picture of a suspect, then says to the 1st blonde "This is your suspect, how will you identify him?" and quickly puts the picture away. She replies 'Oh, that's easy! He only has one eye!' ... "Oh boy." then he goes to the next blonde, doing the same thing, she replies 'Silly! He only has one ear!!' .."noooo..." then goes on to the last blonde. Aggitated, he says "Now, look at the picture, how will you identify your suspect?!" The blonde studies the picture, then replies, 'He wears contacts.' The detective is suprised and goes to check. After he returns, he says "Wow! You're right! How'd you know??" 'It's simple! He can't wear glasses because he only has one eye and one ear!'
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in South Louisiana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigate responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going into retrieve it."

The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in Louisiana. We rule ourselves under the Napoleonic Code. We settle small disagreements like this with the Louisiana Three Kick Rule."

The lawyer asked, "What is the Louisiana Three Kick Rule?" The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom. The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees where he immediately vomited.

The geezer's second kick nearly ripped the man's nose off his face.

The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his dark heart, vengeful will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot; now it's my turn."

The geezer smiled and said, "New, I give up. You can have the duck."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa. He took his faithful pet dog along for company.
One day the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he discovers that he is lost. So, wandering about he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the obvious intention of having lunch.
The dog thinks, "Boy, I'm in deep doo doo now."

Then he noticed some bones on the ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard. I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into the trees. "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close. That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So, off he goes.

But the dog saw him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The cat is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine."

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?"

But instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.

And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him. I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard, and he's still not back!!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A guy runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a policeman.

Cop says, "License and registration, please." Guy says, "What for?"

Cop says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign." Guy says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Cop says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please." Guy says, "What's the difference?"

Cop says, "The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop. License and registration, PLEASE!" Guy says, "If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration."


Cop says, "Exit your vehicle, sir." At this point, the cop takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving *beep* out of the guy and says:

"DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A cop pulled a man over for speeding and says "License and registration, please." 'Here's my license, but I can't remember where my registration is-oh wait, I remember seeing it when I put my gun in my glovebox...' he goes to reach for glovebox, but cop stops him and say "You have a gun in your glovebox??" 'Yes, I put it in there after I shot a woman and put her body in my trunk.' "You have a dead body in your trunk?!?" 'mmhm' The cop runs to his car and calls for back-up telling them what the man said. The Sheriff comes up to the car and asks him "Sir, do you have a gun in your glovebox?" 'No sir, you can even check.' So he gets one of his men to check, no gun. So he asks the man "Sir, is there a dead body in your trunk?" 'No way! you can check that, too!' So, they open the trunk, no body. The Sheriff says 'But this officer said you had a gun and a dead body!' "I bet he told you I was speeding, too!"
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

L0L those are hilarious! keep it up!

x0x0 chelbi

A blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, "You put it around your neck!" The blonde replied, "I tried that but I couldn't breathe!"

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her
husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her
next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.

At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, "At least they're
finally together."

A guy sitting in the front row says, "Excuse me Father, but do you mean
her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?"

The priest says, "I mean her legs."

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer

company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to

determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to

take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the

test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The

manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your

interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''

"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions

correct," asked the rejected applicant. "We have based our decision

not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said

the department manager. "And just how would one incorrect

answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put

down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I'.

ok.. I gotta good joke.. My buddy told me this in Art Class..

When god created the universe and he was on earth passin out the gifts to all the creature, he forgot about Adam and Eve. There were two gifts left and he said he was say what they are and they could pick what they wanted.

God said the first gift would be the ability to pee standing up. Without thinkin Adam said "I WANT THAT ONE!!!!"

God said "Are you sure??"

Adam said "Yes!! I want that one!"

God said ok and gave him that one. So Adams runnin around the garden peein on everything, markin his territory, writin his name in the snow.

God said to Eve "Do you want the last gift?"

She said "Yeah sure. Why not. What is it?"

God said.. "Brains!"


HaHa.. thats my fav

Q:How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:2..But the question is how did they get in there?

Q:What do you call a cow with no legs?
A:Ground beef.

Q:What jumps higher than a moutain?
A:Everyone 'coz moutians can't jump!

So this guy is in the grocery store and he gets in line behind this lady...she's got the typical stuff in her cart...you know...milk, cheese, ice cream...so he says to her, "you're single aren't you?"...she's like, "yea!...how'd you know?"...and he says, "cus you're really ugly..."

Two women, one from the north and one from the south, are seated next to one another on a plane. "Where you flyin' to?" says the southern woman. The northern woman turns up her nose. "Don't you know you should NEVER end a sentence with a preposition?" The southern woman thinks about this for a second. "Where you flyin' to, *beep*?"

There was once a boy in *second* grade that used to live in West Virginia but moved to Ohio. One day he came home crying. His dad asked him why, and he said because he could only count to 46 and everyone else in his class could count to 100. His dad tells him thats its because he was from West Virginia. The next day, the boy comes home crying again. The father, again, asks him whats wrong, the boy says everyone in my class can say all of their ABC's, but i can only say them until M. The father says, its ok, its because your from West Virginia. The next day the boy comes home laughing. the father asks him why he is laughing so hard. The boy replies, today in the bathroom at school, all of us boys were measuring our downstairs and mine was twice their's size. The boy asks, is that because i'm from West Virginia? the father replies, no son, that's because your 15.

Q:What do you call a big black guy who flies an airplane?
A:A pilot, you racist!

Q:Why couldn't G-Unit ride the bus?
A:Because they left 50 cent at home!

There was this girl who was pregnant with twins. while she was driving to the hospital She got in a car accident and she went into a coma. The ambulance came and they ddelivered the babies safely but the only person there to name the babies was her brother because she was still in a coma and her husband was in Iraq. Well when the woman woke up and found out that her brother had named her children she was a little worried because her brother isnt too smart. So she asked him what he named them and he said "the first one was a girl and I named her Denise." the woman said "not bad well what did you name the other one?" he said "the next one was a boy and I named him Denephew."

An old couple were getting ready for a night of bingo. The old lady was looking in the mirror and said to the husband, "why are you with me?" He said "what do you mean?" The old lady said "just look at me I am falling apart, I have bags under my eyes, wrinkles all over my face my *beep* hang to my waist, my arms are flabby and my ass looks like a golf ball, I have just fallen apart and I cant see why you are with me." The old man replied "well because I love you". The old lady said " how can you love someone who looks like me, just tell me one good feature I have." The old man replied "For one thing your eyesight is perfect"!

Peter had been living with Simon for 6 months before his Mother came to visit. She noticed that Peter and Simon were getting on extrememly well and went into the kitchen to have a private conversation with Peter. She said, "Peter, Are you and Simon an item?" Peter replied, "No Mother, I'm not gay!" "Oh right.. Ok then" She said. Two weeks later, Peter discovered that his frying pan had gone missing and e-mailed his mother to see if she knew anything about it. The e-mail said, "Dear Mother,I'm not saying that you did or did not take the frying pan the night you came to visit, but if you have we would like it back. Love Peter xx" Peter's Mother replied, "Dear Peter, I'm not saying that you do or do not sleep with Simon, but if he had slept in his own bed in the last two weeks, you would have found your frying pan by now.
Love Mum xx"

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The Foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Elmo's all over the floor and they're really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands the new employee. She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo's legs. The Personnel Manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman. "I'm sorry," he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, "I think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles."

A man is driving home after a late night shift. Feeling tired he decides to stop on the side of the road for a power nap.Just as he was about to fall asleep, he was jolted awake by a loud knock on the car door. A jogger is standing outside his window so he winds down the window and says "Can i help you?'. "What time is it?" replies the jogger. "Its 6.00am" answers the man grumpily. Just as he starts to nod-off again, he is woken yet again by a loud rapping on his window. He looks to find another jogger standing outside his car. "What time is it?" askes the jogger. "It's 6.30am" replies the man. Feeling a great desire to not be disturbed, he puts up a sign on the window saying I DON'T HAVE THE TIME. Just as he falls asleep he is woken yet again by another jogger. "WHAT!"he replies, furious. "I'ts 7.00am" confirms the jogger

a little italian boy goes to his mother 5 days before christmas and says "mommy, i want a sega genesis for christmas" and his mother says: "well, if you want a sega genesis then you go write a letter to baby jesus" so the boy goes up to his room and takes a note pad and writes: "Dear baby jesus, if u bring me a sega genesis then i will be good for 1 whole year..." "no no no no, i can not be good for a whole year..." so he tears up the paper and wites: "Dear baby jesus, if u bring me a sega genesis then i shall be good for 6-months..." "no no no no, i can not be good for 6-months" so he tears up the paper and looks at the statue of the virgin mary, takes it, puts it in his closet, locks he closet and begins to write: "Dear baby jesus, if u ever want to see ur mother again..."

A guy goes over to his friend's house and knocks on the door and his friend's wife answers. “Is John home?” he asks. “No, I'm sorry,” she says. “He's gone out to run a few errands.” “Would you mind if I came in and waited for a few minutes?” the guy asks. So John's wife, who's wearing a robe, invites him inside. “I can't help to notice how beautiful your breasts look in that robe,” says John's friend. “I will pay you $100 if I could just see them.” The woman thinks it over for a moment and figures why not, it is $100. She opens her robe exposing her breasts as the man reaches for his wallet, pulls out a $100 bill and throws it on the table.
Shortly there after while drinking his coffee he says, “Your breasts are so beautiful, can I suck on them. I will pay you another $100 if you will let me.” She once again thinks for a moment and thinks, “What the hell,” opens her robe, and the man spends at least five minutes on each luscious breast. He then opens his wallet, grabs another $100, throws it on the table and says, “I can't wait any longer, I must get going. Please tell John I came by.” About ten minutes pass and John comes home. His wife meets him in the hall and says, “Your friend came by, you just missed him, he left ten minutes ago.” John replies, “Did he drop off the $200 he owes me?”

A brunette, a red-head and a blonde were in jail when they decided to break out. The girls broke out and the brunette said, "Let's hide in that barn, they'll never find us." So they climed up the ladder and then the blonde threw it down. The next morning, the cops said, "Come out with your hands in the air!" The red-head said, "Hide in those baskets, they'll never find us!" So the Brunette got in the first one, the red-head got in the second one and the blonde got in the third one. Meanwhile, the cops were getting a ladder set up and trying to get up there. Once they got up, the seargent ordered them to kick the baskets. So the cop kicked the first one: "RUFF." "It's just a damn dog!" yelled the cop. The cop kicked the next one: "MEOW." "It's just a damn cat," yelled the cop. The cop kicked the next basket and the blonde yelled, "POTATOES!"

A guy walked into a restaurant and asked for some broccoli. The waiter said, ''Sorry, there's no broccoli.'' So the man asked for a meat pie and broccoli. The waiter said, "There is no broccoli." So he asked for a meat pie, chips, and broccoli. The waiter replied, ''Spell cat, as in catastrophe.''
''C-A-T,'' the man answered. The waiter then asked, ''Spell dog as in dogmatic.'' The man said ''D-O-G.'' ''Now spell freak, as in broccoli,'' the waiter said. The man yelled ''THERE'S NO FREAK IN BROCCOLI!'' The waiter laughed, ''EXACTLY!!"

A lawer just got home from work. As he stepped out of his BMW, a speeding car ripped off the door. As the lawyer jumped up and down cussing and swearing, a cop who was driving by stopped. He rolled down the window and said, “What's wrong?” The lawyer replied, “That idiot, speeding down the street, ripped off my BMW's door!” The cop said, “You lawyers make me sick. You worry too much about your possesions. If you weren't blinded by greed, you would notice that your arm got ripped off!” “Oh no!” cried the lawyer, “My Rolex!”

Steve was in a terrible accident at work. However, the only permanent damage done to him was that both of his ears were amputated. But, because he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing computer business. And, after weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him. The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" The gentleman answered, "Why yes I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Steve got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" She replied, "Well... you have no ears." Steve again was upset and tossed her out. The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses." Steve was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man you are. How in the world did you know that?" The young man replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no fricking ears!"

there was a nun in a bath naked, she heard a knock on the door so she says "hello who is it?" the person replies "its the blind man can i come in?" well the nun thought as hes blind i suppose he can come in coz he wont ba able 2 see anything! " ok then" the man comes in looks at her and says " um, hey where do u want the blinds?

A priest goes to three nuns who've been pure their whole lives. He says "u all can commit 1 sin" Days later 1 nun comes to him and says "Father i robbed a bank." He says "drink from the holy water and god shall forgive u." Hours later another nun comes to him and says "Father i shot and killed a child." He says "drink from the Holy water and god shall forgive u." Hours later the last nun comes and he says "so u sinned, what did u do?" She says " I peed in the Holy water!"

>A teacher walks around the class room and tells them that she wants them to close there eyes and shes gonna put a object in there mouth and she wants them to tell her what it is...she comes to a boy and puts a hershey kiss in his mouth and asked him what it was he said..hmmm..im not sure and she said heres a hint its a thing your dad wants from your mom before he goes to work..a little girl in the back screams "SPIT IT OUT IT'S A PICE OF ASS!"

Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Where ever you left it!!
A Blonde was crying in her office.. her boss walks by and says.. whats wrong.. shes says .. i just found out my mom died.. he goes do u need some time off she goes no its okay.. and 2 hours later he walks by again and she is crying again and he goes whats wrong.. and she goes .. i just found out my sisters mom died too!!!!!

a boy sees a sigh that says:FAT-FREE FRIES! the boy goes inside and orders some. he watches as the cook pulls the fries out of a frier dripping with grease. the askes,"i thought those fries are fat-free!" "they are we only chrge for the potatoes, the fat is free!!!"

Two cows are standing in a field. The first cow says to the second cow: "Hey man, are you scared of this mad cow thing going around?" The second cow says: "Why should I be? I'm a chicken."


There are two muffins in the oven. The first muffin says, "It sure is hot in here." The second muffin says, "AHHHHHH! A talking muffin!"

Where'd Chingy get shot at?
Right thurr, Right thurr!

Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked Ole for a light."Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter", he replied. He reached into his tackle box and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter."Yiminy Cricket!" exclaimed Sven, "Vhere did yew get dat monster?" "Vell", replied Ole, "I got it from my Genie". "You haff a genie?" Sven asked."Ya, shure, he's right here in my tackle box", said Ole. "Could I see him?"Ole opens his tackle box and out pops the genie.The friend says, "Hey Dere! I'm a good friend of your master.Vill you grant me vun vish?""Yes I will", the genie said.So Sven asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the tackle boxand leaves Sven standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the skybegins to darken and the sound of million ducks flying overhead is heard. Svenyells to Ole, "I asked for a million bucks - not ducks! Ole answers, "Ya, I forgot to tell yew, da genie is hard of hearing. Do youreally tink I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?

one day a little boy wrote to santa...
Dear Santa, can yopu please send me a little sister for Christmas?
Santa wrote back and replyed ; send me your mother.

Not sure if this has been posted, but I'm a terrible person and I'm too lazy to look.

There was this guy, and he had 3 kids. THe first daughter came up to him and said...

"Daddy, why did you give me this name?"

and the dad replied.."When you were born a rose fell on your head so we named you Rose."

the second daughter asked him the same question.

he replied; "When you were born a lily fell on your head so we named you Lily."

the third daughter ran up to her dad screaming and yelling

and the dad replied, "SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK!!!"

this joke sounds best in person, because you can make really funny noises for the third daughters part.

^^haha! cute.

my favorite yo mama joke:

yo mama so fat that when she walked outta the house with a red dress on, all the little kids screamed "kool-aid!"

another one:

yo mama so fat that when she sat on a rainbow skittles popped out!

those jokes are all so hilarious.. i love them. =D

hahahaha wow, I almost started crying there so funnyyy!

You know your fat when you go on the up escalator and it starts going down.

i have super corny jokes...

Q:who won the zombie race???

A:it was dead even

Q:Why couldn't the glass fool anyone?

A:Because everyone could see right through it

Q: What did the rock climber name his son?

A:Clif

Q: Why wasn't the light doing well in his classes???

A: Because he wasn't bright enough!!!



that's all i can remember... me and my friend have a blast sayin these... there sooo stupid!

lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move he was rolling on the floor, she had the man arrested.
The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied. "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition! She sat under a sweets sign that said,
" The Double Mint Twins are Coming", and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
"Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
"William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself.
BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said
"Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this accident" .. I just lost it."

those are fuking great post more plz!!

lolz these are fukin funny ass hell

idk its not really a joke?


i think its funny though..:-)


one bright day i nteh middle of the night to dead boys began to fight they turned around and faced each other they pulled their sowrds and shot each other the deaf police man heard the noise and came and killed the two dead boys if u do not belive this story is true ask the blind mom he saw it to

that's dumb.

what's brown and sticky? a stick. duh.

why didnt the vampire bite the clown??? (answer) beacuse he tasted funny!!

ok so i dunno if this is "appropriate"

((pretend ima guy))

so yeah i wuz havin sex with this hott chick las nite n her mom wuz sitting rite next to us
i looked over at her mom n you no what she said to me?
"MOOO!"

haha yeah i forgot to say its kinda nasty

i don't get it....and if its like saying that her moms a cow...then its stupid so yeah...sorry if this seems rude, but yea

haha. youre stupid. wow.

Q: Where's Spiderman's home page?
A: On the world wide web.


LMFAO.

why don't you want to take a shower with pokemon?



because they'll pikachu (peekatyou)


what is a fish with out an i?


fsh

What did one wall say to the other wall?

Meet you in the corner.

LMAO.
I laughed for hours. I seriously cried. The end.