A Bear, a Lion and a Chicken meet.

Bear says: "When I roar, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "When I roar, the entire savannah quakes with terror."

Chicken says: "That's nothing - I only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself."

there were these two whales swimming in the ocean and one turns to the other and says " wahh ahwhhhheowhhhh (whale noises haha)"
and the other one goes "WHAT???"

Do you know the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One less drunk!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Q: How many men does it take to screw a light bulb into a socket?
A: One -- because men will screw anything.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++


A minister wound up the services one morning by saying, ''Next Sunday I am going to preach on the subject of liars. And in this connection, as a preparation for my discourse, I would like you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark''.
On the following Sunday, the preacher rose to begin and said, ''Now, then, all of you who have done as I requested and read the seventeenth chapter of Mark, please raise your hands.''

Nearly every hand in the congregation went up.

Then said the preacher, ''You are the people I want to talk to. There is no seventeenth chapter of Mark.''

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.
After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two *beep*!''

+++++++++++++++++++++++

Two little potatoes are standing on the street corner. One is a prostitute.

How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

It's the one with the little sticker that says...

I - DA - HO

+++++++++++++++++++++++

After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if Osama is still alive," Osama himself decided to send George Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

Bush was baffled, so he e-mailed it to Condi Rice. Condi and her aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the F B I. No one could solve it so it went to the C I A, then to NSA.

With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked Britain's MI-6 for help. MI-6 cabled the White House:

"Tell the President he's holding the message upside down."

++++++++++++++++++++++++

An old man is sitting on a park bench crying. A young man is walking by and asks him why he's crying. The old man says, "I'm retired and I have lots of money, a huge luxury apartment, a beautiful 25 year old wife who loves me and has sex with me twice a day"
The young man says, "Well then why the hell are you crying!?"

The old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?"

Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
A. The hooker will stop screwing you after you're dead.

-The Rainmaker

lol sorry if that's not appropriate.

A classic:

A pirate walks into a bar with a boat's steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says "Hey, did you know you've got a steering wheel down your pants," and the pirate says "Yarr! It's driving me nuts."

These are all soooooooooo funny

lmao

some of these jokes r so damn FUNNY!!!

Two guys were talking.

Guy 1: Did you get your test results back?

Guy 2: Yeah, i guess all of those years of phone sex really caught up to me.

Guy 2: I have hearing aids..

Mickey Mouse & Minnie Mouse were in the divorce court.
The judge said to mickey, "You said here that your wife is crazy?"
Mickey replied, "No, I said she is fucking Goofy!"

LMAO.
omg.
i love it.

Those are pretty funny

hah ah ahah h ah hah hahah hah hah hah ha h ah ah

funny!

lol X3

make me laugh!

funny.

```God created Adam before Eve because you always make a rough draft before you create your masterpiece

Please only post once.

http://www.hilarious-pictures.com/content/2593.html?rated
http://www.hilarious-pictures.com/content/2597.html
http://www.hilarious-pictures.com/content/1215.html?rated
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
So there's these 2 muffins in an oven.

They're both sitting, just chilling and getting baked.

And one of them yells "God Damn, it's hot in here!"

And the other muffin replies "Holy Crap, a talking muffin!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A young woman said to her doctor, "You have to help me, I hurt all over."

"What do you mean?" said the doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe. "Ow, even THAT hurts."

The doctor asked the woman, "Are you a natural blonde?"

"Why yes," she said.

"I thought so," said the doctor... "You have a sprained finger."

LMAO.

That seriously made me cry.

lol i think i've read that one before.
gahahahhhaha.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.
Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")
"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.
"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.
"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.
"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."
"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

If quizzes are quizical, then what are tests?

;D

*beep* haha i heard that one before i think its so cool but im weird so others more than likely think different lol

....geeze i need to get my mind out of the gutter

I found this on someones bebo and I thought it was cute!


A Polish Man and an American Woman (Joke)
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although
his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day
he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following
questions:

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "JA, JA, acre and half and nice little home."

LAWYER: "No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It made of concrete."

LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."

LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."

LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Ja, we have hi- fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I always up before her."

LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "No, she white."

LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."

LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got proof."

LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put
on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."

LMFAO!!!!!! I laughed so hard when i read that... lmao...

Haha I thought it would!

Two sisters, one blond and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.

Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to
purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far away town so that they can
breed their own stock. They only have $600 left.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, "When I get there, if I
decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out and haul it
home."


The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides
she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599 and
no less.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a
telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a
telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our
ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive
out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then
adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull,
the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able
to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I want you to
send her the word "comfortable." The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word "comfortable"?

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll
read it very slowly:

'com-for-da-bul'."

so theres this guy, and he has a girlfriend named Lurain, and he doesnt like her anymore, but she said she would kill herself if he broke up with her. So he cheated on her with a relly pretty girl named lucy. Lurain found out, and so she wanted to meet lucy. So they all went on a walk, and lucy pushed lurain into a lake, and come to find out she didnt know how to swim! Then lucy syarted singing "I can see clearly now Lurain is gone"


corny huh?

I don't get it o.O

This is more gross than anthing else, but when I told it to my friend she laughed because it was so bad....

Q, What's green and pink and green and pink thats going 1000 mph?
A, A frog in a blender
--
Q, whats green and brown and green and brown thats going 1000 mph?
A, The same frog in a blender 2 weeks later

-----
Customer: (walks into store and talks to clerk in broken english) 'scuse me. You have Grinklets?
Clerk: Excuse me??
Customer: Yes yes Grinklets. Two pronged?
Clerk: You mean staples?
Customer: No, No Grinklets?
Clerk: Uh....
Customer: holds stack of paper?
Clerk: Ooooh yes um..Grinklets....yeah second isle.
Customer: Thank you thank you
Clerk: (shakes head) Yeah, grinklets, damn immagrents (snorts)

lmao Keely, your jokes are hilarious

Me and muh best friend were lookin on the inernet and saw that qoute and we both fell on the floor and cracked up we were laughing 4 like 20 minutes i love that joke

so a penguin walks into a bar, jumps up on the counter and says to the bartender "heyy. got any grapes?" the bartender looks at him all pissed and annoyed and is like "no? this is a bar... why would we have grapes?" so the penguin jumps off the counter all sad and walks on home.

next day the penguin comes back to the same bar, jumps up on the counter and says to the bartender "heyy!!! got any grapes?" and the bartenders like "no i already told u! this is a bar we dont sell grapes! if u come back one more time im gunna nail your feet to the counter!" so the penguin starts to cry, jumps off the counter and waddles on home

the next day the penguin comes back all cheerful with a little smurk on his face. jumps right back onto the counter, looks at the bartender and says "got any nails?" the bartender looks at him confused and is like "no...?" so the penguin smiles and says "got any grapes?!"

^ that one is old.

so i dont know if i posted this one already or not, but i love it so ill post it again lol.

Why did Mickey Mouse break up with Minnie Mouse?
Because she was f.u.cking 'goofy'. ahaha get it?



oops nevemind i posted it before lmao.
i knew i had remembered it wrong.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. oh my God I couldn't stop laughing at most of these. holy crap i love these. I find reallyy stupid things annoying so keep posting! HA.

ok these are blonde jokes. if you are blonde dont take offence, its just a joke.



If a blonde and a brunette jumped off a bridge, which one would hit first?
The brunette...the blonde would stop and ask for directions.



What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car doors



If you put a dollar bill in the middle of a round room, with Santa on one side and a smart blonde on the other side, which one would get there first?
Neither...they don't exist.




Why do blondes have TGIF stamped on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.



How do you keep a blonde busy? (see below)
How do you keep a blonde busy? (see above)



A blonde wanted to go ice fishing in Seattle. She'd seen many books on the subject and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen lake. After positioning her comfy stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from above, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE." Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of coffee and began to cut another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" The blonde, now quite worried, moved down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE" She stopped, looked skyward and said, "Is that you Lord?" The voice replied,"No ... this is the Ice-Rink Manager".





Why was the blonde staring at the Orange Juice?
Because it said Concentrate.



THIS ONE IS MY FAVOURITE!

3 blondes walk into a bar cheering and holding up a puzzle and chanting, we're not dumb. At first the bartender let it go, but after a while it started to get annoying so he couldn't help but ask why are you holding up a puzzle? They said we wanted to prove to everyone that we are not dumb so we put this puzzle together. The bartender says, so whats your point? The blondes say, the box says 3-5 years, but we put it together in 51 days.


Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car
for four hours they finally saw a sign that said "Disneyland Left" so they
turned around and went home.


How do you drown a blonde?
You put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of your pool.


Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.



A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches every part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my neck hurts, and even my head hurts!" The doctor asks, "Were
you ever a Blonde?" "Yes I was." she replies. "why do you ask?"
The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!"



sorry blonde's

LMAO. hahahaha i laughed sooooo hard reading that one. normally im not a huge fan of blonde jokes but that one was hilarious

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time,
and this should help get you started. During a visit to the mental
asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which
defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub,
then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and
ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person
would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug.
Do you want a bed near the window?"


DID YOU PASS, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE?

i don't get it...?

HOLD ON MY FRIEND TOLD ME!!!
him: so if u pick one of those ur retarted or w/e cuz theres a plug to drain the bathtub

ahahaha!

ha ha i love that one! its good



A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students
to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the
class checking the sketches he noticed that a sexy young
coed had sketched the man with an erect penis.

The professor commented, "Oh, no, I wanted it the other
way."

She replied, "What other way?"









The following are real names of actual locations:

Arsoli (Lazio, Italy)
*beep* (Norway)
Beaver (Oklahoma, USA)
Beaver Head (Idaho, USA)
Brown Willy (Cornwall, UK)
Chinaman's Knob (Australia)
Climax (Colorado, USA)
Cunt (Spain)
Cunter (Switzerland)
Dikshit (India)
Dildo (Newfoundland, Canada)
*beep* Rack (Thailand-Cambodia border)
Dongo (Congo - Democratic Republic)
Fuku (Shensi, China)
Fukue (Honshu, Japan)
Fukui (Honshu, Japan)
Fukum (Yemen)
Hold With Hope (Greenland)
Intercourse (Pennsylvania, USA)
Lickey End (West Midlands, UK)
Little Dix Village (West Indies)
Lord Berkeley's Knob (Sutherland, Scotland)
Middle Intercourse Island (Australia)
Muff (Northern Ireland)
Nobber (Donegal, Ireland)
Pis Pis River (Nicaragua)
Sexmoan (Luzon, Philippines)
Seymen (Turkey)
Shafter (California, USA)
Shag Island (Indian Ocean)
Shitlingthorpe (Yorkshire, UK)
Tittybong (Australia)
Tong *beep* (Japan)
Turdo (Romania)
Twatt (Orkney, UK)
*beep* (Germany)
Wankendorf (Schleswig-Holstein, Germany)
Wankener (India)
Wankie (Zimbabwe)
Wankie Colliery (Zimbabwe)
Wanks River (Nicaragua)
Wankum (Germany)
Wet Beaver Creek (Australia)

these are all hilariouse. i lvoe them lmfaoo

So, me & a friend have realized some people will only laugh at your joke so they don't look dumb when everyone else is laughing. So the other day we asked the kid infront of her this joke:

"There's two bears in a bathtub..
one bear says to the other bear..
"pass the salt," & the other bear says
"what do i look like?! a microwave!?"
(the whole time we're laughing so hard we can bearly get the words out)

he started laughing his ass off.
we tried it on like 5 other people and they all did the same thing.
haha, it may not be funny to them but it sure gave us a huge laugh.

ok here's the cheesiest joke, but I made it myself and I get a kick out of it.


What do you get when you cross a watermelon and a strawberry?


A Waterbury (that's a city right near where I live)

Well, at least I thought it was funny lol. I told my brother that joke, and I started cracking up, and he looked at me like I was ON crack. lol

wait im confused... is it supposed to be funny and a joke or were you just tricking the kid? lol cause im like sitting here trying to figure out how a microwave passes salt... and i feel realllllly stupid.



lol thats cute. wait u live near waterbury, CT? u do know that i go to westconn in danbury right?

yeah, we were trying to see what he'd say.
he was like "YOU HAVE DIRTY MINDSS!"
he still won't tell us what he thought we said.

so no love, you aren't missing anything. haha.

I don't know where westconn is but I think I know where Danbury is lol. I go to school in Waterbury but I live in Watertown.


Here is another cheesy joke:
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.

The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"

The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."

"How?" asks the man, puzzled.

"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."

wow... i had to read that twice to understand it... ha ha ha i'm soo blonde

Oh, I have another one that I made up while I was watching Hannah Montana when she "dated" Jackson.


What do you get when you cross Hannah and Jackson?

No...not Jacksanna, as the TV show showed.

You get Hanson *an oldish band that played Mmm Bop a while back in case no one knew* =D haha