Hm. Another Story. This one will hopefully be better.., Opinions please? Options

[MissBliss_x]

"Hey Rikki!" I yelled out to my bestfriend as she pulled into my driveway. She waved to me as she turned off the ignition. "Hey Chels!" She yelled back. Little did we know, this would be her last hour of living. We soon walked into my house. This was Rikki's birthday and I had secretly planned a birthday party for her. "Why are the lights off? I thought you were expecting me?" She asked with a confused face. I knew she had no idea what was going on. "Ouch!" a man's voice cried out of the darkness. "George?" George was Rikki's boyfriend. They had been together for 8 months that day. I turned on the lights and everyone yelled out, suprise! "Happy birthday, babe." George wrapped his arms around Rikki's waist and smiled. She wrapped her arms around his neck. "Thankyou so much George, and Chelsea. I smiled. I knew Rikki was suprised and happy. "You're welcome, hun."
Then after about 20 minutes, something I know made Rikki even happier happened. George bent down on one knee and asked her... "Will you marry me?" He held out a ring and looked into her eyes. She was crying by then and could barely get out her answer. "Yes!" She took the ring on her finger and wrapped her arms around him yet again and kissed him. My boyfriend Josh had come up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my cheek. I leaned my head against his chest and stared at how happy Rikki and George were. "This was really nice of you to do something like this for Rikki." he whispered in my ear. I whispered back. "Thanks for helping."
Suddenly, someone came knocking on my door. "Are you expecting someone else?" Rikki asked while looking at me with worry in her eyes. There had been couple murders in my town the past couple of weeks and they hadn't cuaght the killer yet. I knew that Rikki was scared of that so I tried my best to reasser her that everything would be okay. "Nah. I think it's the pizza guy." I walked to the door and opened it. A man wearing a black hoodie and baggy blue jeans barged through the door holding a gun. My eyes widened. I was scared to death. He wrapped his arm around my throat and pulled me into the living room where everyone else was. I knew everyone had heard the noise of the door slam becuase George and Josh were doing their best to hide Rikki. I could here her crying though. Although I didn't know how, becuase thousands of things were rushing through my head. My whole life flashed before my eyes. "Everyone get down!" The man yelled to them while still holding me and the gun to my head. "Or I'll shoot her!" A tear ran down my face. Before I knew what was happening, Josh had jumped at the man and tried to get the gun from his hand. The killer let me go and I ran, pulling Josh's arm to come with me. Now all of us were against the wall and the killer was spinning the gun on his finger as if he didn't care who he shot. Rikki whispered to me, "You jump and I'll push." I knew exactly what she meant becuase we had played football with our boyfriends and that was our tactic of winning. About 2 minutes later I jumped at the killer knocking him back but he hit me in the face and I fell down. Rikki pushed him back even more knocking the gun out of his hands and then....it happened.
The killer hit his head on my glass round table in the middle of the floor. The trigger of the gun reacted to the throw and shot a single bullet, ruining the lives of many. The bullet hit Rikki in the chest directly to the heart. George rushed to her side while Josh was helping me. "Rikki! Wake up!" I could hear it in his voice and before long he was crying. He rocked Rikki's head in his lap still talking to her, hoping he would wake up. Josh called the police and the ambulance. The last thing I remeber about that night was the sirens and the lights...Its been a year now since the day Rikki died. George, me, and Josh were huddled in a cirlce. We prayed just like we did at the funeral. "Rikki, if you can hear me, I'm sorry I didn't jump hard enough, I should have gotten you down before the bullet hit you." I cried the words into the air, thinking Rikki could never hear me. Then, something miraculas happend. The fall out boy song that was playing when the incident happened suddenly came on and a note floated down to the table out of no where. George looked up and ran to the radio. A tear ran down his face though he tried to hide it. I read the note aloud. 'Dear Chelsea,George,and Josh, Thankyou for everything you have done and everything you tried to do that day. You did everything you could so please don't blame yourself. I love all of you, especially you Georgey. Love, Reecycup' That was the most amazing thing I had ever encountered. It was really Rikki becuase she used the nickname we had in a group when we were little. I turned to the radio and that same lyric kept playing, "Thanks for the memories..."
We haven't heard anything from Rikki and it's been about 3 years but we know she's watching over us and we are watchhing out for her. The town of Dalenten was never the same again.





sorry for the lack of indentness at every paragraph, im not quite sure how to do that..
please let me know what you think.

[Kare to the Bear]

hum... well... where do i begin? first off, you used a lot of passive voice. we want to SEE the action, not be told it.

example: This was Rikki's birthday and I had secretly planned a birthday party for her.
better: I secretly planned a surprise party for her because it was her birthday.

just rearranging words and getting rid of auxiliary (sp?) verbs will help show us the action

and secondly, the whole plot seems very over dramatic and unrealistic. i don't believe that if there was a killer on the loose then they would barge into a house and kill people. you also need to explain things better, why was Rikki scared? did she know the victims and was connected to both of them, yet the victims weren't connected? And a note wouldn't magically appear out of the air. What would be more realistic was if she got shot outside and if Chelsea, George, and Josh were going through her room with the radio playing, cleaning it up and found the note that Rikki wrote before she died.

and the last thing i'll point out, is do you know how to write paragraphs with dialogue? you have to have a new paragraph when someone else speaks. if you want an example, check out my story found here

[Just.Her]

It's a good idea, and it's interesting, but the paragraphing needs to be fixed a little. And the story kind of flows really fast. You're just saying everything that happened, one thing after another and it kind of gets confusing. Also, try to be more discriptive. Like Kare to the Bear said, we want to SEE, not be told. So try to show us what's going on instead of telling.

Overall, it's a good idea and I think it would be a great story if you just fixed it up a bit.